Lez Get You Laid: How To Scissor, As Told Through Making Doughnuts
"Lesbians don't scissor. That's just something you see in porn. Ugh, gross! Like, how despicable that straight people actually think IT'S A REAL THING."
I was sitting in a dark, loud bar when I overheard this conversation between two serious-looking, button-down-clad lesbians.
Ah, the scissor debate. It's a classic, heated discussion as old as the Old Testament itself.
I've had many a conversation about the art of scissoring. And yes, it's true: Lesbian porn, which is designed for straight men (Shoutout to the male gaze!), tends to have a lot of sensationalized, salacious scissoring scenes between two women with acrylic nails and frosted eyeshadow.
I'm not trying to be a smug bitch, but I find those scenes incredibly painful to watch, insanely awkward and anything but sexy. I totally get why it would turn a real, tried-and-true lesbian off to the concept of scissoring entirely.
However, I'm not going to let porn that's directed by and for men affect my sex life. NO, queen, no. I'm down with ~the scissor~.
Yeah, it's complicated. You can get kicked in the head accidentally, things won't always line up perfectly or seamlessly, and there might be a few cringeworthy, embarrassing moments peppered into the whole ordeal.
But when it works, honey, it fucking works.
However, it took me awhile to discover its wonders. As a clueless, baby lesbian, I used to troll the internet for answers to all my sapphic sex questions, and read forum after forum of impassioned comments saying that "Scissoring isn't real!" So, I also thought it was a myth.
But then I befriended a really cool, older woman, and she told me that, not only did she love to scissor, but plenty of other women do too. She had this big, sex-positive group of friends who were all openminded about scissoring. They freely discussed it with the ease only sexually-liberated, sexually-fulfilled women can possess.
After a few years of getting over my fear of talking to girls in bars (let alone having sex with them), I also tried scissoring at home. And that's when I discovered that there isn't just one way to scissor, kitten.
There are plenty of ways to scissor. In fact, my favorite website, Autostraddle, has a great piece on the many positions of scissoring, complete with well-illustrated drawings.
Actually, when I think about it, scissoring is pretty similar to making doughnuts.
I know I sound like a loon, but just hear me out, babe.
We look at doughnuts and eat doughnuts, but we never think we could go home and actually make a doughnut. I mean, the only people equipped to make doughnuts are professional bakers, right? Wrong. With a little practice and a hell of a lot of patience, we can make doughnuts too, just like we can scissor like a boss.
So, my seasoned scissor sisters and scissor virgins alike, I made a video just for you: a video that will, hopefully, break down the intricate art of the scissor and teach you how to make doughnuts in the process.
It's very important to remember, while making doughnuts is amazing if it works out, don't stress if you can't master it. There are so many other sweet treats to indulge in (like oral sex, for example).
Doughnuts are just ONE in a sea of many delicacies.