I'm a proud pillow princess. I like to be f*cked, not to f*ck. I like to have my body worshipped while I focus on my orgasm.
I get worn out very easily when it comes to sex. A few weeks ago, I wrote an ode to missionary; I said that it was the best position of all time. I stand by that. It's the f*cking best.
I loathe cowgirl. There, I said it. It is my least favorite of all the sex positions. I would rather spend 40 minutes on the elliptical with a resistance level of 10 than spend 10 minutes on top.
It's exhausting. And I can never orgasm. Because while I do enjoy the angle and the ~power~ I have over my partner, the amount of energy this position takes exhausts me too much to come.
Yet, it's a necessary evil. Refusing to climb on top is selfish. I have respect for guys; sex is f*cking exhausting. Good for them being able to get all the way through it. I can barely make it a few minutes without wanting to collapse and make a scene.
Still I sacrifice.
Just think, ladies: When you're getting to the end of your rope -- sweaty, exhausted and ready to do just about anything else -- just think of the abs workout you’re getting, my royal sex goddesses! This is what I always tell myself, at least.
Every single minute you last is one step closer to looking like Gisele Bundchen or Kendall Jenner.
There are ways to make this position easier. Here are 9 tips for the pillow princess, because we all know cowgirl is f*cking hard as f*ck.
Tip 1: The pillow prayer.
When you're on top, you're expected to bounce. You can only rock your hips back and forth against your G-spot so much before your partner is looking for the full range of motion.
As we princesses all know, though, that rapid bouncy movement is enough to make your heart explode. To help with this, place a pillow under each knee. It's just like you're praying on your knees instead of having dirty, awesome sex.
It will give you both more leverage and less physical space to cover. Therefore, you'll be less exhausted.
Tip 2: Use your forearms for balance.
Being on top is a full quad workout. To take some of the pressure off that one area of your body, lean forward and place a forearm on either side of your partner's head.
This way, you've distributed your weight evenly while adding a little extra balance. You can still move up and down, but it's a much more controlled movement.
You'll also be face to face with your partner, allowing for a few passionate makeouts. Well, unless you're like me, and "cowgirl" is a word for "can't catch your breath."
Tip 3: Guide him into every other position beforehand.
I like to avoid getting on top at all costs. I try to do almost anything else.
This won't work every time, but I don't see your partner calling you out for wanting to flip into doggy-style.
If you manage to prolong your sex session enough to reign in cowgirl for the grand finale, the 36.8 seconds in which you actually enjoy this position may be the only 36.8 seconds you have to endure.
Tip 4: Middle school grind.
Get down with your bad self and offer to grind rather than bounce. Get fancy with it, girl. Pretend you're hula hooping. Act like you are riding a mechanical bull.
Now, your partner isn't going to want to "motion of the ocean" the entire time, but going from easy grinding to hardcore cardio will make this position a lot less strenuous and a lot more fun.
Tip 5: The pretzel princess.
A pillow princess should always be ready to become a pretzel princess. When you're on top, have your partner move into a sitting position.
This is an optimal position for grinding, dominating and sloppily making out with your lover -- just like when you were in the church parking lot in eleventh grade. Your partner is probably going to try to lie down.
Do not allow this. Grab your partner's face, and make that sh*t intimate AF. If you're going to be on top, you're going to have it your way.
Tip 6: Stretch before your sexy date.
Okay, not everyone has time for this kind of prep work, but one of my fellow pillow princesses assures me that this is a great way to make girl-on-top more fun than hell on earth.
Before you meet up with your boo thang, take 20 minutes to do a full-body stretch. It will help you be your most nimble self when your time comes to shine (from sweat, that is).
Even if you don't get any ass tonight, you'll still feel fabulous having taken the time to loosen up, so no loss to you.
Tip 7: Get topped from the top.
A trusty trick for any pillow princess is to make it look like you're riding the living sh*t out of your lusty lover... but actually avoid doing any of the work. How? By letting your partner top you while you're on top.
To do this, lean forward, put your weight on your forearms (see tip 2), and curl back into a cat pose. Your partner will automatically start to f*ck you from underneath.
Keep things ~sensual~ with some passionate kisses and dirty talk. You get all the benefits of being "in control" when you really aren't doing sh*t. It may seem like a cop-out, but it's actually really hot. Don't believe me? Try it.
Tip 8: Ask to be f*cked some different way (DEAR GOD, ANY OTHER WAY) in a sexy voice.
If you want to get out of cowgirl, it's probably best not to say something like "THIS IS HORRIBLE!" or "I AM GONNA FAINT!" Nothing takes the wind out of someone's orgasmic sails like being told that your partner is NOT down for whatever is happening betwixt the sheets.
Instead, offer something more salacious. When you're getting worn to the bone (hehe), just muster up that hot-ass sex voice and say, "F*ck me from behind," and then immediately start moving to that position.
That way you're not conveying your desperate need to put an end to this exhaustive nightmare; you're simply ready for the next phase of this carnal engagement.
Tip 9: Ankle lean.
This is one of my favorite ways to get the most out of cowgirl without dying. Get into classic cowgirl position, and then lean back. Put both hands on your partner's ankles. It's a great visual angle for your lover, who will get an eyeful. You'll feel skinny, and your tits will never look better. Win-win for everyone.
The ankle lean is a little bit like Tip 7 in that you're positioning yourself to do as little work as possible. The downside is that after the initial, amazing backstretch, this too can become a bit uncomfortable. After a minute or two in the ankle lean, move into the middle-school grind.
Bonus Tip: When in doubt, just say you have back problems.
"Oh no, babe, I love being on top, I just have a bad back." -- me literally all the time.
If you're really not down to ride the horse, don't do it. This is sex. You can do whatever the f*ck you want. If you don't want to be on top, just say your back hurts.
No one is going to force you to exert yourself when you're dealing with a "bad back." You're still putting out. You're a goddamn trooper, princess.