Can You Double-Text After A First Date? The Experts Say...
You do you — but their lack of response sends a loud and clear message.
Double-texting is one of those things you do with your friends without hesitation, but when it comes to someone you're romantically interested in, you may be a little more skeptical. You might not want to seem too eager in the beginning, but if the first few dates have gone really well, and you are eager to continue getting to know them, it might be hard to resist reaching out again. But what if you text them, and for some reason, they don't answer? If you get no text back after a first date, do you text again? The short answer is yes, but not immediately — and know that your follow-up text might unfortunately go unanswered.
Before you reach for your phone, consider what your date might be up to right now. "If a date doesn’t text right back, you should wait," says Dawn Maslar, a biologist who specializes in the science of love. Getting no response after a first date is frustrating, but always indicative of their feelings for you. "You never know what’s going on in a person’s life. Maybe they had a last-minute trip and are on airplane mode."
Or, as Maria Avgitidis, CEO of matchmaking service Agape Match and host of the dating podcast Ask A Matchmaker, suggests, “[Maybe] they’re at work and can’t have their phone. Sometimes, people look at their text messages ... and think, ‘I’ll respond to this later,’ and then completely forget to respond.”
It can be easy to just assume the worst in people — especially when you first meet someone and are trying to protect your heart. But sometimes, things really do just come up that can keep someone from replying to your text in a prompt manner. It happens.
That said, your generosity shouldn’t extend too far. If someone likes you, they’ll look forward to texting you back — and they’ll want to initiate conversations, too. So, if you’re getting radio silence? Unfortunately, according to Avgitidis, “It just means you’re not a priority. You’re on the back burner.”
If You Want To Text Again After Your Date, Try Saying This
"If you don’t hear from him/her within a day or two, you can follow up with another text," Maslar says. "Something like, 'Just following up on my last text,' or 'How are you doing?'"
Life coach Nina Rubin agrees, but goes a step further to specify what you should consider before texting your date again. "Send a second text if you had a great time on the first date, and you have 80 percent certainty your date did, too," she says. "How can you quantify? Be honest with yourself. Did it seem like you both were vibing on the same level? Did you both laugh? Was there mention of a second date? If the answers are no, don’t send. If the answers are yes, with more certainty than insecurity, consider texting [again]."
Rubin recommends waiting a couple days and then following up saying that you sent a text a few days before but weren't sure if they got it. Add something like, "I’d love to take you out again. Are you available on Thursday at 6 for happy hour at the new spot near your work?" she advises. By providing a specific date and time to see each other again, it makes it easy for your date to tell you yes or no. "If they don’t write back, let it go," she says. "Do not send a nasty message. Don’t shame them. Walk away."
Your follow-up text should be your final effort. “If they haven’t texted you after you text, unfortunately, the ball is in their court, and they’re going to dictate when they respond to you. And sometimes, that’s an answer,” Avgitidis says. One ignored text might be a fluke, but two sends a message.
A Phone Call Can Be A Risky Move
Maslar suggests calling if they don't reply to your first text. "Say something like, 'Texting is so impersonal, so I thought I’d call,'" she says. "If they don’t respond to the second text or answer the phone, the next move is theirs.”
But Avgitidis disagrees. “I feel like it’s only appropriate to call your best friends whenever you want,” she says. “Anyone else, you have to text them first before you get on the phone, especially when you’re in the early stages of dating. Like, ‘Hey, are you free for a call?’”
The desire to connect over the phone often crops up when you’re seeking affirmation from someone. Does it seem likely that a person who ignores your texts will respond enthusiastically to a phone call? “If you feel the need to call them, ask yourself why,” Avgitidis says. “Usually, the answer to that is acknowledgment. And if they’re not acknowledging you over text, I don’t think you’re going to get the answers you want through the phone.”
It’s OK To Walk Away After A Date
If your date is ignoring you, then you deserve better anyway. "Fishing for a response will probably still not get you the directness that you are looking for," says Pella Weisman, licensed psychotherapist and dating coach. "Take their lack of communication as an answer. It may not be the one you want to hear, but it is an answer nonetheless." You tried, but there's only so much you can do.
The bottom line, Avgitidis says, is this: “If [someone] really likes you and wants to see you, [they’ll] find any reason to text you.”
Always remember, if someone doesn't want to continue seeing you, that's their loss, not yours. Thank u, next.
Dawn Maslar, biologist who specializes in the science of love
Nina Rubin, life coach
Pella Weisman, licensed psychotherapist and dating coach
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