Lies To Get You Out Of A Bad Date
If you haven't been on a terrible date and then suddenly, magically, just happened to receive a call from a "panicked family member" saying "there's been a family emergency," then you haven't LIVED.
Serial dating is rampant now more than ever, and with the ever-expanding landscape of online dating, you're probably meeting up with strangers all the time. So let's be real, there's no way you aren't going to come across a dud date or two... or 20.
It's always wise to enter any first date with an escape plan. You know, just in case they're a serial killer or something.
However, the same old lies of a family or work emergency are old, cliché and obvious now. So what excuse can you use?
A good rule in crafting the perfect lie is to keep it specific — something an average person wouldn't go through all the trouble of making up.
Below are 10 lies you can tell if you're on a bad date but your date hasn't caught the hint just yet:
"See" someone else you want to avoid at the bar.
So here's the set up: There you are, minding your own business on this date, when suddenly you "see your boss" across the bar.
That's BAD NEWS, because you lied to her about staying home sick today from work. Yikes. Gotta go.
You can do this with or without a friend there as a plant.
The key here is to RUSH out and mutter a lot of apologies so they don't try to follow you to a second location. End with a classic, "I'm so sorry, I'll call you" and keep your head down the whole way out.
Your roommate locked herself out of the apartment before a flight.
You can plant this seed early in the night as a preliminary caution. Let your date know your roommate is SO excited for her big trip to Europe she's leaving for tonight, and you're excited to have the place to yourself for a bit.
This sets you up to — GASP! — get a phone call she's locked out of the apartment and needs her luggage.
Uh oh, you wish things could be different, but you need to rush back and get her inside so she doesn't miss the trip of her lifetime! (AKA rush her to the local bar so you two can get drunk together and laugh about this horrendous date.)
Fake a severe food allergy to something you "didn't know was in your food."
This one takes some acting chops, so only commit to this if you know you can sell it. Whatever you're eating, quickly identify some of the more uncommon or unique ingredients. Anything with nuts, fruits or spices are perfect for fake allergic reactions.
Say you didn't realize the chicken was sautéed in cashew oil and that your throat is scratchy and your ears are hot as a result. Then BOUNCE, BABY GIRL. Then you can go meet up with your friends for some wine and laughing.
A friend is in town as a surprise and is calling you from outside your apartment.
Bonus points if you can get someone to send you a picture of themselves outside of your building! #PhotoEvidence
You could tell your date that this is a friend you a) haven't seen in, OMG, years, b) lives across the country, c) lives across the GLOBE or d) recently had a family member die and, like, omg, you can't believe she's here, she needs you.
Morbid, I know. I'm sorry.
Your sibling texts you a picture of a sonogram or an engagement ring.
One time, I found out my brother popped the question while I was out with a stranger IRL. I couldn't WAIT to get out of there.
News like this is totally justifiable for ending a date early. Snag the bill, thank him for his time and make sure he doesn't call you, you'll call him!
OMG YOU'RE AN AUNT/SISTER-IN-LAW! THIS IS CRAZY! YOU'RE SO EXCITED! YOU HAVE TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW!
You left an important medicine you need to take with dinner at home.
This is a slippery slope because it's never cool to use a real, severe illness people suffer from as a weapon for your benefit. So instead of saying something like you forgot your anxiety or depression meds, it's best to stick with "really important antibiotics for a really bad infection" you have, like, I don't know... in your eye or ear?
Explain how it's SUPER IMPORTANT you don't miss a pill, you can ONLY take it with food and you're on your last week, so if you blow this you have to start over.
Then explain how you're sorry, sorry, so sorry, OMG, sorry. Then you get the heck out of there.
Anything related to female health.
Look. God gifted women with the miracle of life... and also horrendous cramps and bleeding, so it's your right to use them as a get-out-of-jail-free card.
Depending on how comfortable you are, you can keep this vague or just GO FOR IT. Make the lie as graphic as you see fit to get the f outta there.
Maybe your cramps are killing you and you can't stand up straight. Maybe you have an irregular flow and this took you off guard and you're out of tampons. Maybe you can just mention "lady problems" and he'll get so squeamish he won't ask any questions at all.
Maybe just, like, mutter about blood and pretend to faint.
The world is your oyster with this one, lady.
Your bank just called saying you've suffered identity theft.
This one is pretty elaborate, but for those reasons, pretty worth it.
Have a friend call you using code *67 so the number comes up unlisted. Maybe ignore it a few times before answering. When you do, OMG, it's your bank! "What!? There's no money in my checking account and my last payment was on an RV rental in Montana!? That can't be right!"
YOU HAVE TO GO FIGURE THIS OUT.
Explain it's better anyway because now turns out you wouldn't have been able to split the bill anyway.
You just remembered you didn't lock your office and were the last one out.
This is one I used to have real anxiety about all the time. Explain that your office is SUPER confidential and the NDA you signed when you started basically says they can send you to jail for life if you give out any information.
THEN explain how you were the last one out that day and just remembered you didn't set the alarm on your way out. YIKES. Your WHOLE OFFICE is just open, willy nilly, for anyone to go in an steal anything they want.
I'm partial to this one because I think we've all had a similar nightmare, and your date might be able to relate.
Your kid needs you. (Surprise! You have a kid.)
OK, maybe they'll sense a litttleeeee white lie in this one, but keep a photo of you holding your nephew or niece on standby in your purse and explain you never bring up your kid on the first date because you want to see how serious the person is first.
Anyway, baby's at home with a fever. Gotta go!
Good luck on getting out of this date! Remember to pre-load any necessary props/evidence in advance, and when the time comes, commit, commit, commit, baby!
Oscars 2018, here you come.