here's how to tell your boyfriend you want more sex without blame or pressure
Here's How To Gently Tell Your Partner You'd Like To Have Sex More Often

Be kind and keep it positive.

Originally Published: 
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Despite what many rom-coms and sitcoms seem to tell you, sexual compatibility does not magically develop between two people without any effort at all. It's actually a very delicate and necessary process that you and your partner can take part in cultivating together. For example, when it comes to sex drives, it's very normal and common to have differing levels of desire for sex. If you're curious about how to tell your boyfriend you want more sex, relationship and sex experts have some tips.

"Sexual frequency is an issue in every single relationship for several reasons, so if you want a happy, lasting, compatible relationship you and your partner should talk about sex," Dr. Jessica O'Reilly, a sex and relationship expert, tells Elite Daily. "You cannot expect your desire for sex to align with your partner’s perfectly. That would be like asking them to want the same foods in the same quantity at the same time every day as you. It's normal to want different things.”

Sex isn’t something that just happens; it requires a lot of communication to be the best it can be. Speaking openly about what it is you want, like, and dislike with your partner, as well as hearing what they have to say, is an incredibly positive thing for your shared sex life.

Telling Your Partner You Want More Sex

It's crucial to remember that a partner is never required to meet your sexual needs. Enthusiastic consent is required for any sexual experience you have. That being said, if you want to ask them if they would be interested in having more sex, O'Reilly recommends a direct and empathetic approach to discussing the subject with your partner.

Start With The Positive
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O'Reilly recommends that you start by communicating and affirming your partner on what they do that you like. Whether that's a specific technique they have, how they initiate sex, or things they say during sex, it's all about whatever they do that works for you. Your partner may really appreciate knowing you like certain things. You can further this step by asking them what they like about what you do during sex, as well.

“People enjoy feeling desired, but they do not want to feel like sex is an obligation,” KarenLee Poter, the co-host of Sex Talk With My Mom podcast, tells Elite Daily. “Instead of saying, 'do you want to have sex?,' try saying something more flirtatious like, ‘I've been thinking about you all day.’”

Be A Little Flirty

Of course, this depends on the situation, but sometimes all your partner needs to know is that you want more sex in the first place in order to have more. As with all aspects of a relationship, your partner can’t read your mind, so you won’t know how they feel until you bring it up.

Instead of having an immediate hard-hitting, deep conversation, you can ease into the subject with a little flirting. “Communication is lubrication,” Cam Poter, the other co-host of Sex Talk With My Mom podcast, previously told Elite Daily. “A first step to having more sex might be to just tell the person how you're feeling. Get creative with the way you express desire; e.g., whisper in [their] ear, send a flirty sext while they're at work, [or] leave a post-it on the bathroom mirror.”

Ask More Questions

Once you've been talking about what is going well, O'Reilly recommends that you add an open-ended question into the conversation. This could be anything from, "Do you feel like you're enjoying our sex life?" or "Is there anything you'd like to try in bed?" or "Is there anything you would like more or less of?" By centering what they want, and learning about their preferences, you can lead the conversation towards talking about what you want, as well. This helps to ease both of you into the conversation, and won't sound like a criticism or a demand.

Try Not To Complain About Sex
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Once you and your partner have been discussing what is going well and what you both would like to try in the future, express that you would like to have sex more often. It's important to keep an open mind during this conversation; it's possible that your partner may want more sex, as well, and didn't know that this was something on your mind. By talking about the past, present, and future of your sexual relationship, you can work together to understand what works for both of you.

When dealing with something like disparate sex drives, try to keep in mind that a lot of different factors can influence a person's desire for sex. "Differing stress levels, medications, menstrual cycle, relationship duration, relationship satisfaction, communication, sleep habits, exercise, fitness, mood, and hormone levels can affect a person's sex drive," says O'Reilly. Because everyone is different, lower or higher sex drives don't indicate that there is something wrong with a person's health or with your relationship. If you feel like you and your partner are on different pages, the best way to get in sync is to talk it out.

Focus On Just The Two Of You

When talking about your sex life, like with any aspect of a relationship, it’s important to keep the discussion limited to only you and your partner. “Don't compare your sex lives with others,” Dr. Martha Tara Lee, a relationship counselor and clinical sexologist, tells Elite Daily. “Most people just assume others must be having more sex than them without any basis for this projection. Nobody should tell you how or what to do with your life — including the frequency [of sex].”

Being compassionate and open-minded is the key to having this conversation. Showing empathy, as well as really listening to your partner, ensures that both of your needs are met and you can move forward — whatever the solution or outcome — on the same page. “This is not a time to demand or reject, but a time to understand where they are coming from,” Dr. Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and host of The Kurre and Klapow Show, previously told Elite Daily. “The conversation should be in-depth and focus on their desire, what's specifically making them feel more or less aroused, and how the circumstances [...] are impacting their desire.”

Keep Having These Conversations About Sex

You don’t need to bring up this convo purely when there is a disparity or problem in your sex life. In fact, O’Reilly recommends you talk through this subject often with a partner, because everyone’s desires and personal boundaries will fluctuate over time.

"Compatibility isn’t something you find. It's something you cultivate, and you can make things work even if you experience different levels of sexual desire," says O'Reilly. Her main recommendation is that you should talk about what you both want sexually before there becomes a significant disparity between the two of you. "Every couple can be mismatched at some point in time. Even if you’re on the same page today, your desire levels will shift over time," says O'Reilly.

Hopefully, these conversations surrounding your sex life are productive and validating. What's important is that you are in a partnership where both partners' wants and needs are heard, respected, and validated.

Whether you come to a resolution right away or you reach a balance over time, talking about sex with your partner is a vital step towards finding a balance you can both be happy with. Salt-N-Pepa had a point when they said, "Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be. Let's talk about sex."


Dr. Jessica O'Reilly, sex and relationship expert

KarenLee Poter, co-host of Sex Talk With My Mom podcast

Cam Poter, co-host of Sex Talk With My Mom podcast

Dr. Martha Tara Lee, relationship counselor and clinical sexologist

Dr. Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and host of The Kurre and Klapow Show

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