Getting it on with someone who gets you can be really special. Like finding the perfect pair of jeans (or the perfect person to go down on you as you shop for jeans online), some things in life just fit. Though talking to the people you sleep with about your emotions and sexual preferences is important, articulating something visceral isn't always easy. Breaking down that indescribable, it-just-feels-right feeling is no small feat. In fact, understanding what sexual compatibility feels like can mean listening to your body (and various sex experts).
"Sexual compatibility occurs when two or more bodies and minds match up during a sexual experience," Gigi Engle, a certified sex coach, sexologist, and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: a guide to sex, love, and life, tells Elite Daily. "You're super into the things this person does to your body: the way they kiss, their smell, their sexual technique. You have chemistry, and things are hot. It means there is a spark. Everything sort of works."
According to Engle, though you may instantly feel a spark-like sensation with someone, it's entirely natural for sexual compatibility to grow or build over time. "We often think if the sex isn't fireworks-amazing that we don't have sexual chemistry and that just isn't the case," Engle says. "Sexual compatibility means there is potential for amazing sex in the future."
Maybe you and your partner were super nervous the first time you saw each other naked, or you needed a minute to get in tune. Don't stress, because the first couple of times you have sex with a new partner may not always be super sexy. (Cue me struggling to unzip my pants or bonking heads with someone in the dark.) Though Engle attests that feeling a "spark" with someone is important, sexual compatibility doesn't always happen overnight.
"Being sexually compatible does not mean the sex will be perfect the first few times you have it," Engle says. "Everything takes practice, and it takes time to get to know someone's body."
Do you need to feel comfortable with someone before you can talk to them about what you like in the bedroom? Does it take you a while to really learn someone's body? As Kacey Musgraves says, sometimes the best things are a slow burn. Though sexual compatibility may happen instantly for some people, for many others, getting in the groove with a boo takes some serious (sexy) practice.
According to sexuality educator Jamie J. LeClaire, being sexually compatible with someone doesn't mean reading their mind or having amazing sex every time. Sexual compatibility, at its core, is about being able to communicate with your partner about where you're at.
"Sexual compatibility is the degree to which you and a partner are 'on the same page' in the bedroom," LeCLaire tells Elite Daily. "This includes our values, beliefs, desires, sex drive, preferences, kinks, and expectations around sex."
According to LeClaire, being on the same page doesn't need to mean having the same exact preferences or desires as your partner(s). Sexual compatibility can often look like you and your boo having complementary values or desires. As LeClaire shares, a sexually compatible couple may agree about how often to have sex and what type(s) of sex acts they enjoy exploring the most. Of course, you and your partner(s)'s sexual preferences and desires can (and often do) change over time. Sexual compatibility doesn't mean staying on the same page forever, but being able to communicate as a couple when you evolve as individuals.
"Sexual compatibility can differ from person to person, relationship to relationship," LeClaire says. "It can differ depending on specific sex acts, and it can also absolutely change over time or as a relationship evolves. That's why it's important to be able to regularly check-in and communicate honestly with your sexual partner."
LeClaire shares that while open communication with a partner can take a lot of work, ideally, sexual compatibility should feel pretty natural. "We deserve to be in sexual relationships in which we feel confident and secure, and satisfied," LeClaire says. "Sex is a form of intimacy, so it's important to feel that intimacy is reciprocal. It should at least feel like contentment or excitement with your sex life. It shouldn't feel like your partner is expecting something from you that you don't feel able to give."
If you're wondering how to get on the same page with your partner, LeClaire shares that the best thing to do is practice communication. "If we avoid talking about these things, then we can't expect anything to change or improve," LeClaire says. Though you may already know what you are and aren't into, LeClaire suggests making "Yes/No/Maybe" lists for you and your partner to fill out. These questionnaires can include different sex moves you'd be interested in trying or fantasies you've never shared. LeClaire also recommends thinking about topics you want to discuss with your partner(s). Examples include how long you like to have sex, how often you like to have sex, what types of positions you want to try, and what foreplay works best for you.
Like hunting around for the perfect pair of jeans, discovering sexual compatibility with someone can take a while. Of course, if you feel like you need some clarity or you want to try something new, talking about your sexual preferences and expectations can help you connect with your partner(s) on a deeper level. Though that "just right" feeling may be hard to describe, getting on the same page with someone about your sexual compatibility requires some major communication.