16 Facebook Relationship Statuses That Don’t Actually Exist, But Definitely Should

by Candice Jalili

As any self-respecting person under the age of 40 knows, you can have PLENTY of relationships before actually being "in a relationship" with someone.

I mean, we HAVE to acknowledge that guy we make out with every time we go out. And, let's not forget that dude we've been “casually” hooking up with for the past two years.

I like to call those weird, in-between type situations we often have with people, non-relationships.

I mean, I guess technically, they would all fall under Facebook's "it's complicated" section. But it's 2017, THE FUTURE IS NOW and it's time to get more specific about what "it's complicated means."

Honestly, if I'm just casually hooking up with someone and have been doing so for the past two years, I don't really see it as "complicated." It just isn't a traditional relationship, so I guess explaining it to other people would be complicated.

But if Facebook gave me the chance to just check a little box that does the explaining for me, it wouldn't be complicated anymore, would it?!

I think every girl (or boy, but I'm a girl, so I'm writing from my perspective) should reserve the right to stalk a potential love interest's profile and know if he's "non-stop texting some girl but barely hanging out with her."

Sure, that would leave him as technically "single," but he really isn't just straight-up single, is he? No, he's emotionally invested in this weird text-lationship. 

And it's SOMETHING that I'd like to know about before getting involved with him.

So Mark Zuckerberg — if you're reading —I'd really like you to help us out by adding these alternate relationship statuses to our Facebook profiles.

Casually Hooking Up For A Prolonged Time Period (Two Months Plus) With _____.

You guys have been hooking up with each other for months (maybe YEARS), and it really doesn't mean anything.

Non-Stop Texting But Barely Ever Hanging Out With _____.

If someone stole your phone and reads your texts, they'd assume this person was your significant other... not someone you've probably been in the physical presence of for 17 hours total throughout your life.

Exclusively Hooking Up But Not In A Relationship (Yet) With _____.

You've had the "exclusive talk," but not the subsequent "What are we?" talk.

You have toothbrushes at each other's places and a texting relationship with his mom, but he hasn't ~officially~ asked you to be his girlfriend and right now, you're technically just exclusive.

This status should automatically switch to "in a relationship with" after three months.

Hooking Up But Actively Avoiding A Relationship With _____.

You guys have been casually hooking up and suddenly, things have steamed up a bit. You know the right thing to do would be to take it to the next level and call it a relationship, but you really don't want to do that.

MAYBE Exclusively Hooking Up But Not Sure So Trying To Keep Options Open With _____.

It feels like you should be exclusive by now, and you aren't even sure when he'd have time to hook up with someone else. But you two still haven't had any sort of talk about it, so he technically could be hooking up with other people.

You don't necessarily want to hook up with anyone else, but you're trying to keep your options open in an effort to not get disappointed if things don't pan out.

Casually Going On Dates With When We're Bored But Mutually Uninterested In _____.

You guys will sporadically go on dates, and then each make a half-ass effort to stay in touch when you're bored. But it's pretty obvious the two of you are on the same page about not being into each other.

Regularly Hooking Up Drunk And Never Acknowledging Each Other Sober With _____.

You two hook up drunk ALL the time, but if you saw him on the street the next day sober, there's no way in hell you're saying hi.

Drunkenly Making Out At Bars Every Time I Go Out With _____.

When you're drunk and out, the two of you are like magnets to each other. Do you two ever have sex? No. Do you ever make an effort to hang out sober? No. It's just a weird thing the two of you do.

Matched On A Dating App And Regularly Text But Refuse To Meet Up With _____.

Yeah, he could be your soulmate and, yes, you do spend hours a day conversing with him, but there's something about meeting up in person just seems too real.

You'd rather keep this guy a fantasy.

Broken Up With But Still Talking To And Sometimes Hooking Up With _____.

Anyone else you're hooking up with is essentially a pawn you're using to make him jealous.

Playing  _____, _____, And  _____.

And you like them in that order.

Never Hooked Up But Hopelessly In Love With _____.

Everyone else is irrelevant to you.

Mutual Late Night Booty Calls With _____.

You guys are similar to the couples who drunkenly hook up and don't acknowledge each other sober, except for the fact that you do soberly acknowledge each other.

In fact, you often soberly laugh about your drunken hook ups. It's just very well understood that — worst case scenario — the two of you have each other.

Good Friends (Who Drunkenly Hook Up Sometimes) With _____.

You're really close and totally platonic friends... who sometimes boink when you get drunk.

Actively Trying To Get Over _____.

Unlike the exes who still talk and bang, you're putting all of your time and energy into forgetting this person.

Sidechick Of _____.

Yeah, this one is self-explanatory.

Ya read that, Zuckerberg?!

Now, get to coding.