Relationship labels are no longer “cool." These days, if you sit down to talk about your relationship with the person who has your spare PJs in his closet, he says, "Let's not put a label on this."
So cool! So modern! So... CONFUSING. Whether or not you're "dating" in the traditional sense, you and this person you're regularly seeing (naked) are involved in SOME sort of relationship, right? Wrong.
According to our generation and its dominating hook-up culture, we accept vague definitions of romance... no matter how crazy it makes us.
The fact of the matter is this: Even if relationships aren't "traditional," Millennials engage in all kinds.
So if your significant other (if I may call him/her such) isn't gonna help you put a label on it, let me try to help.
1. The late-night booty call
You know this person is someone you shouldn't be messing with. But you can't stop yourself from texting his or her number (which you've usually listed as "DO NOT TEXT" or "STUPID IDIOT DOUCHE") when you're six shots deep and ready to boink (yes, "boink") anything with a pulse.
2. The “we love each other but neither of us will admit it" relationship
You two lovebirds are perfect for each other. You're so similar that any dummy in the universe could tell you’re meant to be.
The problem? You’re so similar that both of you want to play it cool … and neither knows that the other is remotely interested.
3. The relationship that we aren't calling a relationship
You leave Thursdays free (date night, duh), and you honestly can’t remember the last night you fell asleep without being the little spoon.
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to conclude that you're in what anyone else would call "a relationship." But you blissfully avoid the inevitable “What are we?” conversation.
4. The friends who hook up sometimes
You guys have been friends forever. You hang out at all the same places, and the two of you can talk about anything … except for the fact that, sometimes, you hook up.
Yes, you read that correctly. Despite your seemingly close friendship, you're so afraid of making things “weird” that you will NEVER address what happens after those tequila shots.
5. The strangers who hook up sometimes
To put it simply, you know nothing about this person. Her number is stored in your phone as “Hot Girl From Mickey’s,” and you haven’t bothered to change it because ... well, you don't know her name.
This lack of familiarity doesn’t stop you two from exchanging drunken texts in hopes of a late-night rendezvous.
In fact, sometimes you're bolder with the “Hot Girl From Mickey’s” than you would be with another romantic interest. You don’t have to be afraid of embarrassing yourself in front of a stranger.
6. The dating-app soulmates who refuse to meet IRL
You swiped right and haven’t looked back since. You guys seem to share the same quirky sense of humor, and this person actually managed to answer your FMK (Fuck, Marry, Kill) quizzes correctly.
Sometimes you find yourself getting (philosophically) deep with this person, filling him or her in on your rough day at work or problems with an ex.
Despite this crazy deep connection, it's unlikely that you'll meet in a coffee shop for fear that he or she won't live up to your now sky-high expectations. (And there's also the chance that he might be a sixty-year-old man catfishing you.)
7. The friends with benefits -- without benefits
While you may be boinking #1 on Friday night, this is the person you’re brunching with on Saturday morning.
This relationship has the benefits of a real relationship -- someone to take care of you when you’re sick, someone to tag to dinner with Mom and Dad -- minus the sex.
You are essentially each other’s significant others ... except for the fact that you have zero interest in making sweet, tender love once the sun goes down.
8. The one who has a girlfriend
You waste an entire night on this lameass, only to have him tell you that he would totally date you... if he were single.
9. The one who has a girlfriend -- but doesn't care
This douchelord is blatantly committed. He's been with her since high school, and his profile picture is of them at the park with the puppy they just adopted.
But that doesn't stop him from relentlessly asking you over every time she’s out of town.
10. The one you're hiding
Maybe your friends hate him, or maybe he's just ridiculously weird-looking. Either way, this guy embarrasses you. Your relationship is reduced to text conversations you'll immediately delete and late-night hang-outs once all your friends are asleep.
11. The one you're "talking" to
You made out at the bars two months ago and have been “talking” ever since. Not dating. Not even hanging out. Just “talking.”
He’ll text you a funny gif every now and then, and you’ll check to see how he’s doing next time you’re feeling lonely. But, odds are, the two of you will never see each other again.
12. The placeholder
Simply put, this “relationship” is going nowhere. Spending the night is completely out of the question, and the only reason a picture would appear on any social media platform would be to piss off your ex.
13. The one you placed on a pedestal
Sure, the guy who took me to the five-star restaurant, gave me the best orgasm of my life and made me laugh until I cried was great. But he’ll never be Jake.
For all intents and purposes, we all have a Jake. He -- or she -- is a past love we've planted on a throne that no future person could ever reach.
14. The one you're comfortable with
Whether he’s a late-night booty call or a friend you hook up with sometimes, this situation has been going on for a while, and you two lovebirds have grown pretty comfortable.
Even though you know it's not necessarily going anywhere, you've gotten so cozy with this weird setup that you can't bring yourself to end the damn thing.