It may seem like a stretch to say some couples never fight, but contrary to popular belief, those couples do exist. Seriously. I don't know what their secret is, but couples that never fight seem to be experts at conflict resolution. But, before you get too envious, that isn’t always the case. There are plenty of reasons a couple may avoid fighting, and not all of them are signs of a healthy relationship. Sure, they could have a system in place for how to handle a disagreement before it turns into a fight. But their lack of arguments could be a sign of something more problematic, like one or both partners being scared of what the other will say or do in the event of a real fight.
So, if you’re stuck wondering why do my boyfriend and I never fight? or is it weird that my girlfriend and I never argue?, you’re on the right track. It’s always a good idea to check in with your relationship and make sure it’s full of healthy communication (which often means the occasional argument). Relationship therapist Dana Ward previously told Elite Daily, "Fighting is normal. While some couples may think fighting is the sign of a bad relationship, it is actually very important. The key is fighting with a purpose." Now, if disagreements are absent from your relationship, that’s not exactly cause for alarm — but it’s still smart to dig a little deeper into why. To get you started, I spoke to an expert about what a lack of fighting means, depending on your relationship.
Couples Who Don’t Fight May Be Good Communicators
Sometimes, couples that never (or rarely) fight just have compatible communication styles, making it easier for them to work through any potential points of contention. "There are some couples who rarely argue because they communicate their wants, needs, preferences, and opinions in a manner that is accepted and processed by each other," Joshua Klapow, Ph.D. clinical psychologist and co-host of The Kurre and Klapow Show, tells Elite Daily. However, that doesn't mean that couples who don't fight never get in mild disagreements here and there. "But those disagreements are genuinely resolved, or at least heard, and worked on," he continues.
Simply communicating is not enough to keep arguments at bay. It mostly depends on how you communicate. "Couples who communicate honestly, authentically, and with an emphasis on sharing information and learning from each other vs. 'winning' or 'losing' will tend to argue less," Klapow adds. It’s important to recognize that disagreements don't constitute arguments. They're the conflicts that every couple faces, but managing them so that they don't turn into fights is key, Dr. Klapow says.
Couples That Never Fight Could Be Avoiding Conflict
On the other hand, if a couple is not fighting because they're determined to avoid all conflict, regardless of the toll it may take on their emotions, that's another thing entirely. This passive-aggressive, avoidant approach can build up resentment in the relationship. Klapow explains, "The emotions associated with the disagreements are still present. The lack of resolution of problems or conflicts by avoiding, compromising constantly, and otherwise pushing them away or aside can lead to miscommunication in the relationship [and] misperceptions about the quality of the relationship." The partner who is constantly trying to avoid conflict (and disregarding their own emotions in the process) may begin to subconsciously or even consciously resent the other partner.
If you and your SO don't fight, and you're not sure if it's because the two of you communicate well and there is no need for fighting, or if it's because you're purposely avoiding it, Dr. Klapow recommends you ask yourself a few questions to figure out exactly why your relationship lacks conflict. "Are there topics, problems, [and] situations that I feel strongly about that we are not on the same page about and we are not dealing with? Am I avoiding disagreements because I don't want to fight? I’m afraid of what my partner may say or do? Or I’m afraid it will ruin the relationship. Am I not arguing because I simply don’t care anymore about trying to communicate?"
If your answer to any of those was yes, it could mean there's more to you and your partner not fighting. "You have a larger communication problem, and the lack of arguing is actually a symptom of it," he explains. "Are you not arguing because you are managing disagreements in a healthy way? Or are you not arguing because you are afraid to have conflict, afraid it might destroy the relationship, afraid of your partner?" If it's the former, you and your partner are just one of those non-fighting couples. More power to you! But if it's the latter, there could be more to it, and it may be something the two of you have to talk (or argue!) about.
Of course, there’s no point in arguing for the sake of arguing, but talking through your issues with sensitivity and compassion could actually bring the two of you closer together.
Dana Ward, relationship therapist
Joshua Klapow, Ph.D. and clinical psychologist
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