54 Things That Go Through Your Mind During The Three Stages Of Sex

by Gigi Engle

Sex is a great thing. It’s fun, it burns a lot of calories and everyone knows it really is the best medicine for pretty much all pain.

It can even cure headaches, and that’s just science! The point is, in all consensual circumstances: If you can have it, you should have it.

Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing -- just go out and get some sex.

I have one rule, however: Use a condom or you will get pregnant and you will die. OK, you promise?

Anyway, while sex is the best therapy (aside fron wine), it can still be pretty awkward the first time you’re getting it on. Sex takes place in three stages: foreplay, the actual sex and post-coitus.

Each of the three phases of the sexual experience come with its own, individual thought process. Some of it is uncomfortable, some of it is sexual and most of it happens inside our minds... never to reach the outside world.

There’s just so much to consider: Am I taking too long to get off? Is he as into this as I am? Am I being too quiet? What am I going to get on Seamless when this is over?

Girls already think a lot and, during sexual encounters, our minds can especially run wild. It’s just in our nature.

Maybe some part of us believes if we keep our heads occupied and our thoughts focused on the prize, we won’t feel as nervous.

Maybe we want to freak ourselves out. Or maybe we’re just bored.

So many questions, so many thoughts. So many inquiries involve a guy's lack of foreskin, forethought or foreplay. It doesn't help that he doesn't seem to know where the clitoris is located. Obviously, we won't tell him any of this.

Sexy time is an intimate time, and nothing is going to make a lady more self-conscious than the first time she strips down nude with a new lover.

Even though being naked is amazing and, if I had my way, we’d all just be naked all the time -- this is not how society sees it. (Yawn.)

What kind of things have gone through your head during a good, ol' sweaty romp, girl? I bet at least several of these 54 things.

Stage 1: Foreplay

1. I definitely should have gotten that wax.

2. Is it awkward if I ask to pee?

3. Why did I wear red underwear and a green bra?

4. I should have told my roommates not to come home.

5. Do I bring up using a condom... even though I have no intention of using one?

6. If I keep my bra on, will he think my boobs are actually this big?


8. It feels like we have a nice bulge here, ladies and gentlemen!

9. Then again... it looks like my boobs are big. SMOKE AND MIRRORS!

10. Did I lock the door!?

11. Whatever, I’m ready to get this show on the road.

12. Does dirty talk include asking when he was last tested?

13. He appears to be having issues with my bra.

14. Hell, who can blame him... I have issues with my bra.

15. Do I help him out here or is that rude?

16. Success! OK... off with the dress.

17. I’m naked and he’s not le awkward.

18. Oh good, he stripped like his clothes were on fire.

19. ...Annnnnnd there it is.

20. Buddy, I don’t think you need Magnums, but thanks for playing.

21. OK, let’s do this thing.

22. It sure has been a while for me...

Stage 2: Mid-bone

23. His thrusting game is on point.

24. Good for him.

25. Does he believe all the dirty things I’m saying I clearly don't mean?

26. When do I bring up the fact that I’m not on birth control?

27. I deserve an Oscar.

28. What am I going to get off Seamless after this?

29. Does he think I’m going to order something for him?

30. I could really do this for money.

31. Oh wait, that’s prostitution. Lol.

32. Am I moving my hips enough?

33. I hope he doesn’t finish too quickly.

34. OK, new position.

35. I’m cool with doggy style, but if I don’t get a reach around soon…

36. Am I making too much noise?

37. Am I making enough noise?

38. I hope I don’t smell.

39. There’s my damn reach around.

40. Fin.

41. I’ve had better.

42. ...I've also had worse.

Stage 3: Post-coitus

43. Oh OK, he wants to snuggle.

44. How long do we need to cuddle before he leaves?

45. I’m really not a sharer.

46. I’m more of a starfish kind of girl.

47. He is not staying the night.

48. Please tell me he isn’t sniffing my hair right now.

49. Why is he still here?

50. I still haven't decided what I want from Seamless.

51. Why is he kissing my neck again?

52. Does he want to go for round two?

53. Oh, OK, he wants to go for round two.

54. But after this, I'm kicking him out!