There are some days you just don’t want to talk -- when you feel (for lack of a better word) like sh*t, and all you want is to close the door, shut off your brain and not think for a while.
“But what will help me relax like that?” you might ask.
If meditation isn’t your thing and good therapy is too expensive, look no further than the bottle from last New Year’s sitting on your counter.
Sometimes, you don’t need to vent, you just need to (mildly) blot out. Enter: wine.
Unlike its other alcoholic counterparts, wine isn’t nearly as aggressive. It eases you into the loosened state, gently taking you from stressed and harried to calm and cloudy.
It doesn’t require an explanation or a returned favor. It’s just you, some liquid and a glass bottle you hope doesn’t break after a couple of rounds.
Wine won’t judge you. It won’t tell you that your time is up before you’ve had a chance to really get started. If you don’t feel like sharing (your thoughts or otherwise), you don’t have to. You can simply sip, sigh and snooze.
There’s no additional reading into things or questions left to be answered until next week.
Here’s why a bottle of wine is better than therapy:
1. It doesn’t make you stop lying down after an hour
In fact, wine encourages you to get a full eight hours. Drink up and let your problems sink into the couch as long as you want.
2. It’s only 2 dollars an hour
If you splurge on a more accredited one, it’ll only set you back an extra 10 bucks. And if you don’t finish, you haven’t wasted your money. The door (to the cabinet) is always open.
3. You can go four times in one night
If you aren’t satisfied, it’s perfectly acceptable to keep going. No one is going to cut you off -- not even the Surgeon General. Like therapy, you can listen to the label’s advice, but you don’t have to take it.
4. It lets you confess and then forget
When you just want to unload your thoughts into an empty space without consequences or ever having to bring them up again, wine is the magical vestibule. Your secrets are safe with the grapes.
5. It screws off instead of screwing you up
There are some things that don’t need to be over-analyzed, like the time you chose a sandwich for lunch instead of a salad.
There isn’t deeper meaning behind everything in your life. Wine knows that, which is why it gets you drunk instead. Makes things less boring.
6. It won’t write a book about your struggles
But it might encourage you to! It’s not collecting information about you to then use for a case study.
You won’t be another pseudonym around someone else’s dinner table. Unless you really go overboard, it stays out of the papers.
7. It’ll leave you unconscious, not dig into your subconscious
It might sound ridiculously unhealthy, but then again, so are many Freudian theories.
8. It prefers blackberry notes over taking them
You don’t have to mindf*ck what is being written down about you. There’s no evidence that needs to be destroyed. You can enjoy the taste of wine without worrying about what the label says about you later.
9. It doesn’t tell you time is up
You know when you’re ready. Or you’ll just pass out before the party is over.
10. It won’t ever make you think about your mom
Phew, or else we’d probably switch to something else.
11. It comes to you
You don’t have to travel far to get a good dose of therapy from the liquor store.
12. You can share it and it won’t be weird
It’s OK if someone else is in the room with you. You don’t have to keep it all inside.
13. It makes you feel warm inside
Wine can boost your self-esteem and make you feel hotter (both temperature and looks-wise) way more easily than therapy can.
After just one session, you have a newfound confidence. You don’t have to soul search first, alcohol does the work for you.
14. It understands what it’s like to be fragile
Sometimes it feels like you're both made out of glass.
15. It indulges your vices instead of telling you not to partake
We know how good it feels to be bad -- so does wine. It encourages you to do more of what you want, regardless if it’s not great for you.
Sometimes you need to do wrong to feel right, like drunk online shop.
16. You uncork it; it doesn’t uncork you
Unless you decide to troll patrons at a bar, you’re pretty much safe within the confines of your own home. No one is around to watch you drunkenly sob at a "Kardashians" episode.
17. You can easily get a new one if you don’t like it
You don’t have to start all over again with your life’s story each time. There’s no emotional breakup involved or explanations as to why.
18. It’s about friends not Freud
No weirdness, guys. No theories, except maybe why he’s not texting you back.
19. Wine drowns your sorrows instead of reading into them
Maybe you don’t want to discuss why you’re a mess this week. Maybe you just want to erase all memory of it with a little vino. And then you’re as good as new!
20. It’s got alcohol in it. Duh.
There’s no such thing as a therapist made of 13 percent alcohol by volume.