Sex is a wonderful, glorious, magnificent thing.
Sex is an essential part of any intimate relationship. It is arguably one of the best things there is in the whole world. Who doesn't love a good romp between the sheets before bed, or right before you start your day?
There's nothing like having a great orgasm and then falling listlessly into the arms of your significant other — or, you know, whomever is next to you.
Everyone is doing it, right? If you're not doing it, there is something wrong with you, right? Everyone is having amazing, earth-shattering sex, right? Your sex life is better than everyone else's, RIGHT?!
As long as it's not in the shower, sex is a thing we hold dear to our hearts and our respective private bits. It's a thing we brag about when we're getting it a lot, and a thing we endlessly complain about when we're not.
Our minds are on sex. Sex.
With that being said, sex is also kind of weird. I mean, think about it.
I mean really think about it.
It can actually be really f*cking weird. We get naked with someone, we roll around for a while, sloppily making out and rubbing all up on each other and then we get off and it's over.
I'm not saying sex is bad. It's not bad; it's f*cking great... but man, it can have some strange parts, regardless of your (likely overinflated, sorry) prowess.
That's the stuff we never talk about -- the weird stuff. It's the strange and sometimes insanely awkward things that happen pre-, during and post- coitus that we all choose to ignore and it's the hot, lusty awesome parts that we decide to focus on.
No one wants to go to lunch with the work-wife and lead the weekend recap with “It kept falling out” instead of “I got off three times.”
No one wants to admit that some sh*t was not working the way it was “supposed” to or that your lovemaking had some (natural) malfunction somewhere between cowgirl and missionary.
It's like we think it's some kind of reflection of our character if our sex lives don't directly reflect those on the Hollywood big screen. If we're not having EXPLOSIVE, firework-inducing sex EVERY SINGLE TIME... we suck at life.
BAH! BAH, I say! Enough with the guilt because there are just awkward situations that cannot be avoided. And guess what, Casanova? We have all been there.
Admit it to your therapist; admit it to your teddy bear, whatever. Just embrace the weird.
Here are 12 awkward sex situations we've all found ourselves in:
The awkwardness that is undressing
When you have the hot and heavy makeout going on and you're all over each other, the next step can be a little tricky.
Getting your pants off while your legs are wrapped around your boyfriend can be a process and we all just ignore it because... who wants to acknowledge that?
Or when you just can't get that belt unhooked while simultaneously kissing your boyfriend's neck? Momentary as it may be, that sh*t is uncomfortable.
When you get lockjaw
Blowjobs take time. No, they take a really long time.
They're hot, don't get me wrong, but after a while, having your mouth open that wide (assuming you got lucky in that department, if you catch my drift) begins to make the old jaw stiffen and suddenly you are ready to just move to the big show.
When you just can't get “prepared”
It happens. Try as you might, you just can't seem to connect your brain to your vagina.
It's frustrating and often hardcore infuriating. You want to do it, but your body is just like: “Girl, no.”
The awkward moment when neither one of you is into it anymore
It started off so well! You were both in the mood and so ready to jump each other's bones, but now, somewhere along the way, you've lost the rhythm.
And you can't say, “Hey, babe, I'm really not down to bang you anymore can we watch "Breaking Bad"?” Because that would be insulting, right?
So, you both just go through the motions and hope the other person doesn't notice.
When you realize you're not going to have an orgasm
Even with finely-tuned partners, sometimes the explosion just isn't going to happen. Not everyone climaxes every time, especially us ladies.
Suddenly you're lying there on your back thinking, “Mmk, anytime now.
I wonder how many Twitter followers I have. No one favorited that one from earlier and it was really funny. Oh, this is still going on, OK.”
Vagina farting. I'm just going to let this one lie. Don't know what that is? You're either a virgin or you don't know how to Google.
When you try that new “sexy” position and it does not go as planned
You're all for trying that backward, upside-down, flip-flop position your partner found in the “Kama Sutra” pamphlet he or she bought for 73 cents from the bodega guy. Sure, why not? I mean what could be so hard about that Flying Lotus Dragon Chained Monkey Eggplant?
Sometimes those adventurous positions just don't work out and one or both of you ends up with a cramp. It happens.
The important thing is that you tried. Even if things get weird, you'll always have that story you both can share… privately... when drunk.
When it gets in your hair
The “pulling out” method can be very hot. It's dirty and fun and erotic — until some of that love juice shoots like a water cannon and winds up in your hair.
We all know how long it takes for a girl to do her hair. And if we're having sex, we probably took extra care to make sure we looked extra f*ckable. Situation = Ruined.
The condom falls off
Sometimes, things just slip. And sometimes -- *shudders* -- things get lost too. Whether lost on the floor or lost… somewhere else… no one wants to deal with that.
When your D won't stay hard
Like the ladies who are occasionally sans lubrication, so, too, do gents experience a bit of a malfunction in the penis area.
Again, your brain wants it; here is this hot and sexy woman lying in front of you. Of course, you want to have sex with her, but your other head is just not in the game.
It's embarrassing for both of you. You feel like a failure and she feels inadequate. But that just isn't the case. Sometimes we just can't align everything the right way. It's life. Grab some Ben and Jerry's and watch "The Walking Dead."
Soon you'll forget all about your previously flaccid situation.
When you just can't keep it in
Going from position to position is much trickier than it seems.
As much as you'd like to roll seamlessly from missionary to cowgirl in one fluid and erotic sex tumble, this is not realistic all the time. Just reposition, stick it back in and move on.
Let me end with my personal favorite, "The Slip."
Yeah, ladies and gentlemen, you know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about that fateful moment when your boyfriend's boner just “slips” into your backside.
Now, I'm not entirely sure if this is ever an “accident,” but I'm willing to give you boys the benefit of the doubt considering how slippery things can get down below during a good 'ol bone fest, but this is one of the least erotic things that can happen.
For the ladies, it's pain and for the boys, it's a verbal chew out. I promise, we have all been there.