Anne Hathaway, Drew Barrymore and now Rihanna better watch their backs. They’ve been snatching all the quality Jewish men, and the Rebeccas and Rachels of the world (okay, maybe just Long Island) aren’t going to have it.
What do these women know, that these celebrity women are finally catching onto? Jewish men make the best husbands.
There are many reasons swarms of girls flock to these Stars of David like lox on bagels. For one, they are the "chosen people."
For another, once they do reach a socially acceptable level of maturity, they blossom into really successful individuals (I’m specifically referring to the ones that don’t eventually enter into politics or money laundering).
They are diligent and dedicated guys whose compassion and patience are rare finds in most men. Marrying a Jewish guy is like winning the lucky sperm lottery, and it pays off in the form of devotion and hard-to-pronounce last names daily. What they lack in stature, they make up for in good character and fun holidays.
I’m not biased because I’ve been wading in this Dead Sea of candidates for my entire lifetime -- I’m actually quite tired of it. I’m knowledgeable on the subject and I can appreciate a solid Jewish man when I meet him (Why do you think I’m out for Anne Hathaway’s blood all the time?).
But above all, Jewish men happen to make excellent boyfriends and even better husbands.
Perhaps due to their borderline questionable attachment to their invasive Jewish mothers (no judgment: I have one and will become one), they understand and value treating a lady right, especially someone they love.
They’re committed, good-hearted and easily whipped when the right vagina comes along. Jewish boys are here to remind us that the nuclear family living in the dream house with the white picket fence and mezuzahs on the door can and does exist.
There’s a reason "the good girl gone bad" has decided to go good again. Here’s how Jewish men make great husbands:
Maybe it’s the fact that they attended Hebrew School for the better part of their adolescence or their undying "frat" mentality (they are still following the 10 Commandments, after all), but these guys are highly dedicated people.
For this reason, they are likely to stay faithful and remain attached to you. When they give you their word, especially in the case of betrothment, they wholeheartedly mean it.
The "Jewish Mom" Complex
There’s only one other woman in this world that a Jewish man will be so supremely devoted to: his mother. Not only did she raise him right, Mom also brought him up to cherish a lady -- chief among them being her.
Drake didn’t become such a softie on his own. On Shabbat, his mother definitely warned him not to pound the kosher breast meat because that is like cheating on your girlfriend (see what we did there?).
So you better love your future mother-in-law’s taste because she’s totally helping him choose your birthday present.
Appreciation for family and culture
This is kind of a major quality for the person you’re going to marry. Jewish guys have been fasting on Yom Kippur and lighting the Menorah way before their balls dropped and they fell for you.
They gratify in tradition, especially ones that involve family and good food, which is something special in an increasingly disconnected world. If you want to feel a part of a heritage bigger than yourself, you’ll be in welcoming company.
Jewish boys learned early on, from years at sleep-away camp, that summers are meant to be spent elsewhere and anything by the water will more than suffice.
They are well-trained in resort sports like golf and tennis, so you better be the trophy they’ve been working towards.
No physical fighting
After enduring Chris Brown, Rihanna switched to Drake because she knew that Jewish men don’t and can’t fight (unless you consider name-calling and ducking a form of self-defense).
The closest they’ve come to throwing a punch is mixing their bottle-service drinks with Kool-Aid.
Their Bar Mitzvahs taught them the value of doing good deeds (or “tzedakah" -- see, you’re learning fast!). Their small circle taught them the importance of keeping a secret between you two.
And their love of bagels, lox and Jew food means they won’t mind your smelly breath in the morning. These men earn the moniker, “NJB” (nice Jewish boys).
Solid futures and careers
Maybe it’s because we’ve been screwed in the past, but Jewish men were always taught to keep an eye on the future.
Generally speaking, they value a high-power career (think lawyer, doctor, finance, entrepreneur) and are self-motivated enough to obtain it, if only because they desperately want the bragging rights.
They maintain steady and well-paying jobs (and if they don’t, their families do) and they like to share that wealth if it brings their loved ones happiness. Plus, you’ll churn out more Ph.D-earning babies, so you’ll be in good hands when your hubby retires later on.
Sometimes I wonder which came first for me: my obsession with hairy men or my dating experiences with furry Jewish guys.
Either way, Judaic descendants happen to be some of the most gloriously hairy specimens around (just look at their curly payot, not an easy feat!). Grab onto their chest hair and don’t let go.
Yiddish for a person that demonstrates integrity and humanity, being a mensch means embodying that rare mix of kindness, sweetness and humility.
Your Jewish hubby will take care of you if you take care of him in return.
Now go off, young flower, into the male Judaic world full of its own brand of geography and Jordans. You wouldn’t dig into the challah without saying the bracha first, now would you?
Photo via HBO/Entourage