Okay, so I have another confession to make. On top of swooning over older guys, I’m pretty much obsessed with bearded men -- not just bearded men, but hairy men... like, the whole friggin’ package: back, crack, even the sac. I’m totally hooked.
Aside from being obviously smokin’ hot, hairy men arouse this kind of carnal desire that is really borderline animalistic, which makes sense based on the theories of sexual selection: in prehistoric times, women were more strongly attracted to masculine-looking men (i.e. broad shoulders, large chest, hair) because it was a sign of fertility and health. (Sigh, if only mating were that simple now...) The evolutionary version of myself probably went nuts over these virile beasts and now, present-day me is stuck with this stache-loving heart.
That’s not to say that hairless men aren’t sexy, either. Ryan Lochte shaves his entire body to swim in the Olympics and I ain’t complaining! A clean-shaven look after weeks of scruff can be rather dashing (not to mention, a nice break from the beard-burn post-makeout sesh).
Let’s not forget about all the other glorious places men have hair, too, starting with my personal favorite: the chest.
Warning: The content you are about to read contains explicit language, strong sexual suggestions and is intended for mature audiences only. And maybe if you’re my dad you should stop reading here altogether.
The excitement I get when I unbutton a man's oxford shirt to reveal a luscious thicket of chest hair can only be compared to that special feeling you get when you open a Chinese takeout bag and find an extra bag of crunchy noodles.
I want to do dirty, filthy things to this man’s chest, like give it a rubdown with my tongue and gently tug at the fistful in my hands. Seriously, if I could cover my walls in chest hair just so I could nuzzle against it while lying in bed, I would. And I’m fully aware of how odd that sounds.
There’s something deeply comforting about having a bearish-like man envelop you in a hug. Back hair is an added bonus to round out the entire package; it’s a sign of maturity, the antithesis to the prepubescent Justin Biebers of the world. And I cannot get enough of it.
Just because I already promised you that we’re going to go there, I have no qualms about hairy testicles, either. They’re like stuffed animals, really. They’re soft and fun to play with, and if one happens to casually go in my mouth (kids will put anything in their mouths), it’s toxic-free!
This brings me to the issue of pubes. I’ve had guys tell me they shave theirs to make their ding-dongs look bigger. This pains me.
Your dick isn’t the Mona Lisa and the optical illusion you’re trying to achieve A) doesn’t work, and B) is really inconsiderate to the hair-lovers of the world, myself included.
Especially when the rest of your body is covered in hair, the absence of pubes just looks like negative space. To be fully candid, an extra set of Brillo padding isn’t going to deter me from going for it.
Hairy men are good for more than just their unparalleled sex appeal, jungle balls and getting slowed down by water. They bring lots of joy into my world, as well as those of others.
As if we needed further reason to love these smoldering beasts, here are more things a hairy man is good for:
Winning at Movember
They might have a competitive advantage due to their naturally thick follicles. Plus, they are more used to having an abundance of fluff on their faces than the average guy.
Keeping us warm
Use their body as a blanket. Hairy men have more than enough tufts to go around and they're way softer than a down comforter.
Looking like GQ models
We Heart It
Dayum, boys. Is it happy hour, yet? Because I can’t see anything but your five o'clock shadow.
Storing food for later
I love a man who doesn’t let good food go to waste. How thoughtful of him to have a snack handy!
Locks of love
Hmmm… maybe if they grew their beards to “Duck Dynasty” levels? Could be an interesting texture, that’s for sure.
Looking like hipsters
Hipsters have cool style and about 96 percent of Brooklyn is attracted to them. They must be doing something right.
Sawing wood and lumberjacking
Just humor me and play into the stereotype, okay?
We’re animals, too!
Humidifying a room
Hairy men sweat a lot more than the hairless cats of the world. Sleep next to one next time you feel stuffy.
How come no one has thought of this before?! I’d love a new pair of beard-lined Uggs.
Top Photo Courtesy: Tumblr