You wouldn't know it unless you saw me naked, but I have saggy boobs.
It's like one morning I woke up, rolled on my back and my boobs just didn't follow with the rest of my body. I'm not kidding, when I lie down, 60 percent of my breasts fall into my armpit. It's really cute.
At the ripe age of 23, they're completely deflated. I thought boob sag would only come after pregnancy, but I was wrong. Gravity is a law. My body has abided.
I'm lucky to have perfectly healthy breasts. When it comes to breast health, I will take droopy knockers over anything else. But, that doesn't make the struggle any less real.
Sometimes I wonder what I did to gravity to deserve this boob sag. My mom looked at me the other day and asked if my boobs shrunk.
“No,” I said. “They just got lower.”
I try not to slouch, for fear my boobs might start sliding into my lap.
“But your boobs don't seem saggy!” My coworker Sheena said to me.
That means my bra is doing its job. Holding them up and away from my belly button.
Sometimes I'll lift them up, look in the mirror and gawk at how much of my body they cover up. My upper ribs are constantly in the shadow of my under-boob.
It hasn't always been this way. When I hit puberty, my ta-tas were a size DD. I even had stretch marks in high school because my chest was #blessed. But at around age 20, my overwhelming DD-cups deflated to modest C-cups.
Some say shopping for clothes is much easier with smaller boobs, but not always.
Here are the struggles every girl with saggy boobs can relate to.
1. You'll never be able to pull off a backless anything.
Backless dresses and tops are all the rage these days. Backs are hot! People should definitely flaunt them. Unfortunately, my saggy lady lumps ensure there's no way you'll ever see me in a backless number.
Sure, we saggy ladies could wear a bra and let it show, but that defeats the purpose of the mystery. I know I'll be sticking to regular tops and dresses that cover my back and bra straps, thanks.
2. You've definitely tried taping them up like Kim K.
If a bra is like a prison for your bazongas, tape sounds like straight up torture.
We've all seen the great lengths Kim Kardashian has gone to tape up her boobs.
Is it really worth it? I feel like I'd have to buy an absurd amount of tape to hold mine up. Also, think of the literal pain it would be to rip it off. Imagine going out one night with a tape bra, going home with a dude and being like, "hang on I need to de-tape." No. Just no.
3. Sports bras are helpful but problematic.
Has anyone else gone to the gym, attempted to do some crunches and all of the sudden notice half your boob is leaking out the side of your sports bra? Just me? OK.
If you have saggy boobs, sports bras work their magic by reinforcing everything, but your boobs just get flattened against your chest in the most unflattering way. They do this droopy, separation thing as you run on the treadmill. It's just not cute.
4. Bathing suit shopping is just depressing.
No matter what bra cup size you have, you probably struggle to find bathing suits that fit well. I laugh when I look at string bikinis because they're just something I'll never be able to wear.
Ever since I grew these damn things, bikini tops have been my worst enemy. Either I'm busting out of them, forming an attractive quad boob (when they spill out the top) or there's no support whatsoever. That's when I contemplate just avoiding beaches altogether.
Unless I shop in the grandma swimwear section, there's always a part of my boob popping out somewhere. There is just no containing these jiggly things.
5. Achieving Kate Upton-worthy cleavage requires a serious push-up bra.
My cleavage used to be difficult to cover up. Now, I can only create Victoria's Secret-worthy cleavage when there's a gravity-defying push-up bra involved.
6. Hooking up can make a girl self-conscious.
My boob sag is my biggest insecurity when it comes to hooking up. They look great when they're tucked up into a bra, but once that comes off, they're just going to flop out. It's like opening a bag of chips only to find more air than chips.
The good thing is the guy is usually too horned up to notice and probably doesn't give a sh*t anyway. If he does, reevaluate that relationship.
7. Weight loss apparently makes it worse.
Basically, boobs are made up of fat, ligaments and tissue. The skin on breasts is pretty thin, delicate and stretchy. So great, even if I don't decide to have kids, my body is ready for lactation.
If you lose weight, therefore, lose fat, your boobs are going to droop. The skin has nowhere to go because there's less tissue to hold up. It's just science. No woman with natural breasts is immune to this. Even the lovely large breasted Sofia Vergara deals with this issue.
Could I get plastic surgery of some kind to fix this? Sure. But part of me has accepted that this was the destiny of my breasts. I just have to roll with it.
Do my boobs hang low? Yes. Can I throw them over my shoulder? Not yet. Maybe next year. At this point, I can almost fold them in half, like a very soft hot dog bun.
I know I'm not the only woman under the age of 30 to deal with boob sag. I feel your pain, and I'll see you in the grandma bathing suit section at Macy's.