There are two types of men who interact with women: F*ckboys whose word vomit spews vehemently sans filter, and shy-guy sweethearts who haven’t a clue how to banter with a bad b*tch.
It’s okay. Depending on our emotional state and degrees of pettiness, we’re here for you.
Instead of tripping up on lady topics like, say, our weight, try steering conversations with sensitivity and tap dancing on that delicately thin line between spoiling your chances forever and making us swoon. Word to sapiosexuals.
Here are the most un-douchiest ways to approach these womanly topics:
Pains during our periods.
Guys usually repel from red sea talk worse than a bad romance. But hey, we'd appreciate a bit of empathy during our monthly stomach-curling stretches, please and f*cking thank you.
Don't spit out insensitive statements like "man up" or make those annoyingly bloodless "Are you PMS'ing?" quips.
No! We'll never outgrow our period problems, so just shower us in ice cream and warm sentiments.
Just grow up, guys. Oh, yeah, and pick us up some tampons while you're at it.
Body conscious convos.
As much as we'd like men to STFU forever when it comes to our frames (unless we're being praised!), male minds just can't get enough. That said, tread ever so carefully when discussing our body, everything from weight to our right to govern it.
We are infinitely a sum of all of our body parts, so don't pick 'em apart. Mmkay?
Football, basketball and other sports sh*t.
Breaking news: Women love sports. In fact, a woman is the greatest athlete in the world.
Don't be one of those d*ckheads who avoids athletic chit-chat with ladies, assuming we know zilch about balls. Instead, drum up a convo about Cam Newton and gauge our interests. We just may surprise you by rattling off Steph Curry's championship stats.
In the event we're not huge supporters of competitions that ignite your man fires, don't patronize our lack of ESPN knowledge.
For some reason, a snip of our hair is like a snip of men's sacks.
Guys never fail to vocalize their positive feels about a new style, even if it's a mindless compliment ("You did something different to it?"). But, fellas, if you abhor how we cut or color our manes, don't hesitate to say it.
You like an unkempt top knot or shoulder sweeping curls? Tell us! We don't lose our feminist card for styling our hair how our guy likes it. Remember, we have agency over every inch of our strands, but we love it when you enjoy it too.
Pro-tip: Leave that hair prepping mess we left in your bathroom out of it.
How much we spend on, well, anything.
Whether it's shoes, bags, books or obsessive trips to nail salons, most of us have one vice that drains funds from bank accounts faster than the length of a summer fling. If we do, don't make us feel like fools for setting aside a budget especially for it.
Don't lay on overprotective parental treatment and scold us for outrageous purchases. And yes, our balance may be dangerously close to red, but compliment that Chanel bag or $200 pair of shoes anyway.
Let's talk about sex, baby.
Bedrooms aren't merely playgrounds for naughty playtime; they're places to settle sticky sexual situations.
Frankly, men are terrified to request better head or ask for anal. They'll even stay silent (with you at least) about ungodly odors. But kick the kiddie sh*t to the curb; it takes blunt honest conversations to remedy any coital issues.
Fellas, if you're up for plopping on your professor hat during pillow talk, be more Miss Honey than Miss Trunchbull.
The sweeter the approach, the better our expression of gratitude.