All My Friends Are Getting Engaged And I'm Just Getting Drunk

By

As I cancel yet another vacation to attend a friend's engagement party, I'm starting to realize this is now my new reality.

At first I was annoyed, but then I realized this is new for everyone, so why not make the most of it?

I mean, it is just another excuse for a party. Sure you have to bring a gift, but that pales in comparison to the bar tab you'd be racking up elsewhere.

As much as people believe this means the real party is over, it actually just means another type of party is just beginning.

And you know what the best part of it all is? You don't have to pay to enjoy it.

These celebrations are flooded with catered food and open bars, and with our diminishing bank accounts, what could be better than this?

Maybe it sounds selfish, but hey, you're the one forcing me to change my plans! So while I may complain that you're cramping my style, I'm shadily reaping the benefits.

So what does this new reality actually look like?

1. All my friends are planning engagement parties; I'm just trying to plan a vacation

2. All my friends are making memories; I'm still blacking out.

3. All my friends are saving the date; I can't even get one.

4. All my friends are buying a house; I'm still struggling to rent an apartment.

5. All my friends have moved in with their boyfriends; I still don't have one.

6. All my friends are having children; I'm still acting like one.

7. All my friends are experiencing morning sickness; I'm still throwing up from the night before.

8. All my friends are buying wedding dresses; I should never be allowed to wear white.

9. All my friends are paying taxes; I still have my dad do mine.

10. All my friends have credit cards; I still have no credit.

11. All my friends have seating charts; I'm still dancing on tables.

12. All my friends are planning parties; I'm still the life of it.

13. All my friends are going on dinner dates; I'm still hooking up with bartenders.

14. All my friends are cooking dinner; I'm still ordering from Seamless.

15. All my friends are popping bottles; I'm still popping Plan B.

16. All my friends are on Potterybarn.com; I'm still scrolling through Tinder.

17. All my friends are missing their period; I'm still wondering when mine is coming.

18. All my friends are picking out children's names; I can't even remember my own.

19. All my friends have a 401K; I'm still living paycheck to paycheck.

20. All my friends are money conscious; I don't have any money at all.

21. All my friends are wine connoisseurs; I'm still chugging from a box.

22. All my friends are taking a shot at love; I’m still ripping shots at the bar.

23. All my friends are planning their futures; I can't even remember last night.

24. All my friends are getting raises; I'm just getting high.

25. All my friends are filling out wedding registries; I'm just filling up my cup.

26. All my friends are walking down the aisle; I'm still walk-of-shaming.

27. All my friends are falling in love; I'm just falling down.

28. All my friends are settling down; I still can't sit still.

29. All my friends have found the one; I'm still my own plus one.

30. All my friends are taking engagement pictures; I'm still taking down my drunk Snapchat story from last night.

31. All my friends are on a wedding diet; I'm still eating leftover pizza.

32. All my friends are shaking up; I'm still sharing my apartment with two other people.

33. All my friends are having the marriage talk; I’m still on Gchat.

34. All my friends are changing their last names; I don’t even change my clothes

35. All my friends have life plans; I’m still on my parents’ cell phone plan.

36. All my friends are living their dreams; I haven’t slept in days.

37. All my friends are writing their vows; I vow to never drink again while dry heaving over the toilet bowl.

38. All my friends are saying “I do”; I still just…can’t…even.

39. All my friends are getting pregnant; I’m still eating for two.

40. All my friends are turning into their mothers; I haven’t called my parents in weeks.

41.  All my friends are making reservations; I still have absolutely none.

42. All my friends are having baby showers; I’m still taking champagne showers.

43. All my friends are sharing sonograms; I’m just getting 200 likes on Instagram.

44. All my friends have five-year plans; I'm just trying to make it past 5 o'clock.

45. All my friends are procreating; I’m still procrastinating.

46. All my friends are going somewhere; I’m just okay with it being 5 o'clock somewhere

47. All my friends are bridezillas; I’m still being a bitch for no good reason

48. All my friends are getting married; I'm still having sex.

For more of her thoughts, humor and ridiculous opinions follow Ashley Fern on Instagram and Twitter.