What You Need To Consider Before Free-Boobing Like Khloé Kardashian
Breaking news: Khloé Kardashian, like many of us, has breasts. Two of them, in fact.
On June 13, paparazzi snapped photos of Khloé heading out in a black wrap top that made it clear she'd made the decision to free-boob that day.
Like all doings of the country's most famous family, Khloé's visible nipples somehow made headlines. They merited a total of 114 articles according to Google News. That's 57 per nipple, which is about 56 more than average.
Instead of strapping 'em down in solitary confinement like the average woman, Khloé finally made the decision to let her breasts fly freely. (I say fly, but really they just sort of dangle and sweat. Boobs are only aesthetically pleasing when they're someone else's; your own are like bad roommates who get drunk and need a lot of help getting into bed.)
Anyway, this is the final sign I needed to complete my argument that summer 2016 is the season of the free-boob. Backless bodysuits and off-the-shoulder crop tops abound, leaving no space for the scaffolding of strapless bras. Plus, who even has time for all that?
You don't even need to be a member of the A-cup elite to let your boob flag fly -- Khloé's the proud owner of two Cs, after all. It's just about making the right decisions.
If you're wondering to boob or not to boob, I have the answer: yes.
Just think about these things first:
If you're going to be cold, prepare for nipplegate.
Nipples are exactly like maraschino cherries on top of ice cream sundaes: They're a sweet touch in moderation, but they're an acquired taste. If you're debating going braless, assess the situation you're walking into. Is this a place of business or somewhere you'll be addressing professional peers? In that case, nipples would be an unwelcome distraction.
I'm a big fan of non-adhesive nipple covers, which conform to your breasts with the help of body heat. Unlike the cheaper, sticky kind, these babies stay on all night. No sudden changes in temperature can hold you back.
If you've recently gotten a fake tan, save the free-boob for a different day.
Tan in a can is a miracle in many ways, but a fresh bronze and under-boob sweat don't mix. If you have larger ladies up top, this is something to seriously consider. While the pigment is setting, any kind of sweat can leave you with an odd mix of very dark and light areas.
Unless you want to look like human camouflage print, a bra will do wonders for a tan that's still setting. Surely, Khloé already knows that trick by heart.
If you're looking for support, try a fabric with some structure.
When thick scuba material suddenly became all the rage several years ago, I looked at it as a sign that even busty girls could occasionally let their boobs off-leash. The tightly-fitting material provides structure without underwire.
Although scuba isn't quite so fashionable in 2016, try thick knits and tightly-fitted bodysuits to keep your girls in check. I like to manually hike mine up a bit, allowing the stretchy fabric to keep them in place. Who needs a bra, anyway?
If you're going to have to move quickly, make sure you're prepared.
Braless nights and nights I drink tequila are often the one in the same, which means dancing will always happen. If you do something similar, prepare your breasts accordingly with high-necked bodysuits that won't accidentally expose your chest to the entire club.
You, my friend, are ready to party all summer '16. Boobs (and caution) to the wind, just like Khloé.