I first discovered Michael Faudet in the middle of a dry spell. It had been six weeks and I was feeling randy enough to seriously consider swiping right on just about any dude with a puppy in his Tinder profile photo.
He only helped fuel that fire. Faudet's poems were so thoroughly dirty, so naughty and so precisely f*cked up that I couldn't help but feel breathless with every stanza.
"I never understood desire," he wrote. "Until I felt your hands around my throat."
If that's not enough to get your panties in a twist, you need to reconsider your priorities.
By the time I finished reading his masterpiece “Dirty Pretty Things,” I was in tears and had orgasmed more times than I could even count.
I've never cried during sex, but his erotic poetry reduced me to a teenager losing her virginity on the football field all over again. In fact, I'm pretty damn sure I was a virgin before Michael Faudet came into my life.
Seeing as my Valentine's Day dates are my hand and my Drake-powered vibrator, I'm all about finding some, ahem, inspiration.
Sorry porn lovers, but erotic poetry is way sexier than whatever you can find on PornHub. No need to watch some buxom babe fake an orgasm when these poets can do all that and more -- without the visual.
1. If you like it rough, read Michael Faudet.
Faudet is the only man who can call me a dirty whore and have me like it.
The poet gained notoriety on the birthplace of all erotica, Tumblr. He's also notoriously elusive -- in fact, I've yet to see a photo of the man. Don't get too excited, though: This charming man is taken by fellow poet, girlfriend Lang Leav.
2. When you're craving some tender lovin,' pick Tyler Knott Gregson.
If I ever met a guy who spoke like Gregson, I would never allow him to be clothed.
You're probably already familiar with Gregson's work. He's behind the notorious Typewriter Series, which has been overtaking Tumblr and Pinterest for as long as I can remember.
3. When you want him to watch, call on Rupi Kaur.
Or, better yet, watch yourself in the mirror.
If you've heard Kaur's name before, you're not alone. Kaur's photographs of women on their periods made news after being censored by Instagram.
4. When you just want to cuddle, read Leo Christopher.
Christopher's words will always be infinitely more breathtaking than any 2 am sext.
The poet is the father of three children, so clearly he knows a thing or two about cuddles.
6. When you're over waiting for your boo to get home, try out Lucille Clifton.
I haven't called dicks “serpents” since the 5th grade, but let's go with it.
Clifton was nominated twice for the Pulitzer Prize in poetry, though, so maybe now's the time to start calling his Mr. Peacock a reptile.
7. When you already orgasmed once but one more can't hurt, take a look at Mason Fowler.
You know you should probably go to sleep, but having any feeling in your legs is overrated.
Fowler is another star born from Tumblr, which further goes to show that the social network isn't just for high school sophomores with too many emotions.
8. When your high school crush posts a provocative 'gram, read Jonny Ox.
Time to start planning for that 10-year reunion.
Pro tip: Mention Ox's name if you're trying to impress your date with your poetry know-how.
9. When your crush dresses way better than you do, choose Lang Leav.
You know his tie always looks better on your wrists than it does on his neck.
Leav's poetry tends to lean more towards the romantic and not the overtly sexual. She's also the antithesis of her boyfriend Michael Faudet's, writing.
Her style is raw, whimsical and designed to piece your sad little broken heart together again.