When it comes to men, I make dreadful, positively atrocious decisions.
I'm also incredibly impulsive. Two out of my three tattoos were obtained on a whim. I adopted both my dog and cat via a same-day adoption shelter out of fear I would lose my nerve if I had time to think.
I guess it's good I rarely regret things.
One morning years ago, I decided I was thoroughly fed up with being a virgin. I was a senior in high school, and the most I'd ever done was kiss someone. Frankly, I was a major dork, so I knew I wasn't going to get with anyone I went to school with. Besides, I went to a performing arts school, so virtually all of my male friends were gay.
I decided to make a plea. My virginity seemed like an itch that needed to be scratched and if I didn't lose it that night, I was going to crawl out of my own skin. It felt like a disease. Does that sound stupid? Yes.
Naturally, I made an ad on Craigslist. Woman seeking man. Eighteen (just kidding, 17). I took a blurry selfie on PhotoBooth. I didn't mention I was a virgin, just that I wanted a date for that night. Then, I went to school.
The replies came in like wildfire. The photo wasn't even provocative in any way, just me in a dress showing off my new chin-length haircut. I think it was my age that drew men in. An 18-year-old posting on CL? Many accused me of catfishing, which prompted me to send more photos, some holding up signs with my name, their name and random fruits I found in the cafeteria.
Finally, I found someone who seemed normal. Twenty-something, from California, new to the city but moving back soon. He seemed cute in the photos he sent, so I thought, why not?
We decided he would meet me after school. He was late, naturally, as he was commuting from Bumblefuck, Queens. When he finally showed up, I wasn't entirely sure how to react.
I'm not a sizeist. I'm 5'6," which I consider a fairly average height for girls. I have happily dated men taller, shorter and the same height as me. This man, however, was all of 4 feet and maybe 7 or 8 inches. Cute face, but not at all what I was expecting. I didn't know whether it would be worse to leave with him or stay where I was.
Somehow, we made our way back to his place. I was still determined to make this work, partially out of a desire to be devirginized and partially because I thought I'd look like the biggest bitch of all time if I left.
We fooled around for a bit: watched TV, listened to music, hooked up. It felt weird being in bed with someone so significantly smaller than me. In every sex scene I had ever seen, the man was supposed to be the big spoon and envelop the woman in his arms.
It wasn't so much a height thing as it was a mass thing. At only one foot shorter than me, he was skinny, gawky and still wore Hot Topic.
At some point, our clothes came off. He told me I would be the second person he ever had sex with. I said I had sex before, but this would be my first time sober. I thought it made me sound cool and he seemed to play along.
Like any other first time, it lasted maybe 30 seconds. And because you are all probably wondering, his stature alluded to his size as well — he was small. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure if I walked out of there a virgin or not because I don't even remember bleeding on the sheets or it even really hurting.
I haven't had sex with others as short as he was, so I'm not sure if this was an “across the board” thing or if he was just particularly not well-endowed. I'm not sure if I want to Google the answer.
I know I'm going to be labeled as a "sizeist" because I shared my experience. However, his height was only one of the many factors of an all-around weird night. I lost my virginity, met him via Craigslist and he happened to be a foot shorter than me with a less-than-impressive d*ck. If that's not a story, I really don't know what is.
To be clear: I never cared much for the height of a man. I consider Peter Dinklage one of the hottest people alive. My Tinder profile said, “I don't give a damn about your height” for nearly a year. My most recent long-term relationship was with a man precisely my height. I dated a man who was 5'3” for 6 months and those numbers had nothing to do with my attraction to him. The way the night unfolded, however, was far too comical not to point it out.
I actually continued speaking to him after he moved back to California. We Skyped for several months before it fizzled out. He used to send mass “Happy New Year's!” texts for several years before we "lost each other's number."
Ladies, moral of the story here: Don't go on Craigslist to find someone to devirginize you. The shortcomings aren't worth it.