It's no secret that eventually, relationships (even healthy, happy ones) tend to cool down in the romance department. And yet, when your partner stops being romantic, it can still catch you off guard and feel like a bit of a blow. Just know you're not alone. "Despite what we want to believe, relationships take work, even the best ones," dating coach Erika Ettin tells Elite Daily. "One of the first things to go is the art of the romantic gesture. Why? Because people get comfortable. That's not inherently a bad thing at all. The comfortable phase of a relationship is wonderful. But it's also a time when you may take your partner for granted and vice versa," she explains.
If your partner seems to be slacking in the romance department recently, Connell Barrett, a New York City dating coach and founder and executive coach at Dating Transformation, tells Elite Daily to blame evolution. "It’s how we’re wired," she says, and if romance early on feels more effortless, that's because it is. "That’s because we’re in a natural state of what researchers call 'passionate love,' which typically lasts 12 to 24 months,” he explains. “But as humans, we’re wired to move into 'compassionate love' — still wonderful, but less intense and less romantic. This happens because we adapt to new experiences and they feel less new, less exciting. To our brains, the novel becomes routine. We start to take romance for granted because it literally feels less exciting and exotic."
While all relationships inevitably ebb and flow, just because yours has hit an ebb doesn't mean that the romance is dead forever. In fact, your best bet to get things back on track and rekindle the romantic spark is to get proactive about it. Here's what the experts suggest.
Want to get back to that new relationship energy? The experts say the key is to do new relationship things. “Go on dates again, just like when you first began seeing each other,” says Barrett. “Remind each other what it was like when you began to fall for each other. Mirror the rhythms of when you were in the throes of new, passionate love. To make this even more powerful, leverage nostalgia.”
Put romance back on the calendar, says Ettin. “Schedule a date night, dress up, and have fun like you did early in the relationship,” she recommends. Also, make sure to put all the focus back on one another, without distractions. “Have a ‘no phone’ night where you can only rely on each other for entertainment,” she suggests.
Familiarity is a romance killer, which is why Connell says the best way to bring back those early sparks is to create the conditions early on before you had a routine. “Variety equals excitement, and can reignite romance. Do new activities together: Italian cooking class, salsa dancing, escape rooms, new sex positions, or new sex locations, taking a staycation for a couple nights at an upscale hotel. It’s not so much what you do but that you do something new, to fulfill the need for variety,” he explains.
Last but not least, Ettin says that if you're feeling like romance has left the building in your relationship, it might be most effective to just talk to your partner. Have an open, honest conversation about what you're feeling, what you'd like to see change, and how you both can work together to bring back some of that initial romance.
I get it. Opening up in this way can make you feel really vulnerable, but that's the beauty of being in this comfortable phase of the relationship. It means you’ve learned this is a safe place for you to be real about what you're feeling. Chances are if you feel this way, so does your partner, who will be grateful you’ve opened the door to a discussion. Once you’re on the same page, it will be a lot easier to return the focus to some much needed romance, — which is always better when it’s a team sport, if you catch my drift.
