Many people turn to therapists for love advice when they go through breakups, or their relationship is on the rocks. But therapists also have a surprising amount to say about finding and being in love, and that advice is pretty eye-opening. Although there's no perfect formula for finding true love, there are things you can work on within yourself to make sure that you're ready for love whenever it comes your way. If you're wondering about how and when to be ready for love, check out some of the following love advice from therapists.
Knowing you're ready to date again and potentially look for "The One" is a big step. But when you know, you know. Sometimes it just dawns on you in the middle of CVS when you're in line waiting for a prescription or in the middle of the throwing a Frisbee at the dog park. The point is knowing you're ready to find a long-term partner is different for everyone. Feeling ready and knowing how to act on it are definitely two different things, though. It can be incredibly intimidating to realize that you're ready to put yourself out there to find the one. If you do take steps to try and meet someone special, despite the overwhelming vulnerability of it all, you should definitely feel proud. It's not a small feat to believe you are worthy of love and take the steps to find it. If you're getting to that point, the following therapists have a lot of reassurances to offer you.
"When looking for a partner, you should ideally have a solid sense of who you are which includes your deficits and weaknesses, as well as your talents and gifts," says Anne Beverly, counselor in residence at Bluebird Counseling Center. "If you can communicate what you want to a partner and admit your faults as well, it helps you manage your expectations and sets you up for success."
Having a solid concept of yourself, who you are, and what you have to offer a partner are amazing signs that you're ready to be a supportive partner. Understanding that it's OK to have faults is a huge part of a healthy self-esteem. If you aren't exactly sure of these things, you could try journaling about what you like about yourself and what you'd like to improve.
"Knowing more about Attachment Theory can help people looking for love identify different attachment styles in themselves and potential mates," says Beverly. "According to Attachment Theory, there are three different types of attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant." Beverly says that if you're looking for lasting love, you should find someone who is capable of a secure attachment, meaning they aren't constantly looking for their next relationship, nor are they smothering you.
"Signs of a secure attachment style include: introducing you to their friends and family, being positive and affectionate, talking about the future together, and being there when you're sick or injured," says Beverly. It's important that two people in a partnership are together because they love and appreciate each other. If either person in the relationship is there because they don't want to be alone, that attachment style isn't secure.
If you are in a place where you're ready for love, Molly Lyda, MA, life coach, MFT, LPCC, recommends that you keep your energy and perspective up and open to possibility. "This active desire can look different for everyone. For some it’s trusting in love and knowing their ideal partner is around the corner, connecting with their dream for love every day and asking for internal guidance on the next steps they can take for love to arrive.
For others, it’s engaging in dating apps or sites and meeting new people weekly. And yet for others, she says, it’s taking on and living the qualities in themselves that they want to see in their partner. Placing something like this at the forefront of your mind could mean that you will be more aware of the people entering your life and who you would like to spend more time with.
"I think the most important thing for people looking for love is to make sure they're actually out enjoying their lives so that they can be in the position to perhaps meet other people enjoying similar things," says Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, licensed psychologist and founder of Therapy for Black Girls. If you're someone interested in online dating services, then be active on those services. You have to put yourself out there in order to meet people. It won't happen just chilling at home, she says.
If you hate dating apps, you don't have to use them. If you hate something like a dating app, you're not likely to meet someone through it because the process causes you stress. You can meet people by joining clubs, organizations, or meeting your friends' friends. Also, don't forget Instagram can be a great dating app, too.
"In order to find love, one must date around. Dating is about the experience, not the destination. Your objective isn’t just to find a partner, it’s to find a partner who meets your needs, who matches your goals and builds your confidence," says Laura F. Dabney, MD. It's hard to be ready for a serious commitment but still have to start out by going on dates and testing the waters with people you are interested in.
Feeling confident about yourself and what you have to offer another person in a relationship is a great first step to finding someone else who believes that, too.
