The Most Cringeworthy Dirty Talk Phrases Ever, According To 9 Women

Tongues can be used for all sorts of sexual ventures, not least of which is dirty talk. While I've seen some dexterous tongues do some amazing things, I've never been more impressed with a tongue's action in the bedroom than when someone utters a completely unique dirty talk phrase (I say "impressed" to mean "shocked", sometimes in a good way, but not always). I also sleep with a lot of comedians and I never really know if they're trying to make a joke, but a lot of them are successful at making me laugh, so I'll give them some credit. Seriously, the cringeworthy dirty talk phrases make for the best material.

I wanted to hear other women's experiences with dirty talk. As many wild ones as I've heard ("I want to eat your skin but I'm a vegan so I won't" — so embarrassing to think I slept with a vegan), I knew if I asked more people, I'd get even better responses. Their answers will not disappoint — it turns out, what people say in the bedroom is completely different from what you'd hear IRL or on TV (the only two places I can imagine you'd hear another person speak).

Read on to hear nine women's insane dirty talk gems.

1. Private Property

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Come on my t*ts like you own them.

— Kristin, 34

2. Age Is A Number

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A guy once whispered to me during foreplay, “You make me feel... young. You make me feel... alive.” We were both 20.

— Natalie, 32

3. It's Not A Size Thing

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Micropenis dude and I got it on, and the whole time he kept saying "you're so cool."

— Natasha, 26

4. Everyone's Favorite Word

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Do I make you moist?

— Nicole, 24

5. Is Romance Dirty?

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Was your father a thief? Why? Because he stole two stars and put them in your eyes

— Anastasia, 20

6. Better All The Time

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You get so much hotter every time we break up. Can I f*ck you?

— Annie, 27

7. Cozy And Cozier

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I had a guy once refer to my vagina as a "cozy nook."

— Jen, 30

8. A Rising Tide

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I was with a guy one time who wanted to comment on my... um... moisture level, so he said “Oooh! it’s high tide at Fisher beach!” He also yelled “You go girl!” as I was approaching climax.

— Sasha, 28

9. Swimming…Somewhere

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He said, "your p*ssy is a pool, no, it's a bathtub, no, it's a lake." I was like, "make up your mind?"

— Claudia, 24

Do you think the dirty talk you've heard is weird? Truthfully, it probably was, because there's really no limit to the juicy (pun intended) gems you might discover in the bedroom. Learning what other women have overheard in bed might give you a great laugh or a much-needed reminder that your own sexual experiences are totally normal. If you've said something similar to the phrases above, that's totally fine too — it's cool to experiment and try new things. Dirty talk can be very hot, but it can also be hilarious, so don't feel guilty about enjoying the humor in it every once in a while. And don't be afraid to say something a little wacky in the bedroom — you never know what turns people on.