“Security” may not be the sexiest word. It also may not be the first thing that comes to mind when you think about your ideal relationship, either. But the reality is that security plays a major role in any rock solid romance. So, how do you know if your relationship is super secure? Are there any signs to look out for?
Here’s the thing about security — it breeds honesty, trust, and vulnerability. And all of those things are so key to a healthy, lasting relationship.
“For some, it can mean that you are comfortable being your true authentic self,” says Dr. Gary Brown, a prominent relationship therapist in Los Angeles.
In order to understand this concept of security, it can be helpful to talk about what doesn’t constitute a secure relationship. According to Dr. Brown, constant anxiety about whether your relationship will last or your partner will leave is one sign of insecurity. Also, if your relationship is so tumultuous that you never know what to expect from one moment to the next, that breeds feelings of general insecurity. However, if any of the following signs sound familiar, there’s a good chance that you and your boo are secure in your bond.
When bae calls and says they’re gonna be out late grabbing drinks with coworkers, or decides to go on a weekend trip with their besties, you don’t panic. In fact, there isn’t a worried bone in your body. Why? Because you feel confident enough in your relationship to let them do their own thing.
“You feel comfortable with your partner hanging out with their friends because you feel secure in the knowledge that, at the end of the day, their relationship with you is their highest priority,” explains Dr. Brown.
This speaks to trust, which again, is closely connected to a sense of security in your relationship.
When bae leaves their phone or laptop out on the table, do you feel tempted to open it? It’s normal to feel a tinge of curiosity, but if you’ve acted on it and actually gone through with snooping or genuinely been fearful that you might find something incriminating, that suggests you don’t feel very secure. When you’re secure in your relationship, paranoia about their fidelity or feelings toward you doesn’t exist.
Dr. Brown notes that there are other actions that can count as snooping beyond sneaking a peek at their texts or emails, too. If you don’t feel the need to secretly stalk their social media — like check to see which Instagram posts they’ve liked lately — that’s another great sign that your relationship is super secure.
When bae says they’re not mad, you know they mean it. When they tell you they love you, you know it’s genuine. When they say they don’t care where you get takeout from, you know they’re not just saying that. If you never feel like you have to read into your partner’s responses (and they feel the same way), that’s a solid sign.
“You trust that they are open and honest with you,” says Dr. Brown. “That’s a sign of security.”
It can be totally exhausting when you have to analyze every single one of your SO’s responses because they’re not always upfront with you. If you and your boo can depend on each other to offer truthful responses, you never have to do all of that pesky second-guessing.
It’s not always easy to let your SO know that they’ve done something irritating or upsetting. However, if you feel generally comfortable confronting them about any issue, that suggests you’re secure in your relationship.
“Your partner sees you as someone that they can confide in and you feel the same way about them,” explains Dr. Brown.
When you don’t feel like you can bring problems to your partner’s attention, that indicates that you don’t feel emotionally safe. This avoidance of confrontation could be due to your partner’s past behavior, or experiences you’ve had in previous relationships. However, if you know you can tell bae about literally anything that’s rubbed you the wrong way, that means you trust that they’ll respond with compassion and understanding — which is key for achieving a sense of security.
If you don't feel like your relationship is very secure, don’t fret — there are ways to work toward building up a feeling of security.
According to Dr. Brown, the first thing to do is to have a heart to heart with your partner about any weak areas in your relationship.
“Hopefully, there is enough trust that you can at least feel secure enough to talk about why you may be feeling insecure in your relationship,” he adds. “Sometimes just opening the door can help alleviate some of the anxiety. Other times, you may get confirmation that there are good reasons that one or both of you are feeling insecure. Having these conversations requires a certain degree of trust, vulnerability, openness, and self-awareness.”
Ultimately, you deserve to feel secure in your relationship — and as such, you deserve to be with someone who wants to help you achieve that. Provided you and bae are both eager to improve the security of your relationship, it’s definitely possible to work together on breaking down any barriers that may be preventing you from feeling safe.
