I Put "Looking For A Valentine" In My Tinder Bio & Welp, Now I'm Married

If you somehow managed to miss the giant, red balloons in every storefront over the last two weeks, I'm here to tell you that winter is coming. Kidding. Valentine's Day is coming and that's just as devastating especially if, like me, you haven't locked in a date for your rom-com movie marathon on Feb. 14. In a state of panic, I put "Looking for a Valentine" in my Tinder bio to get this situation resolved ASAP.

I'll be honest. I didn't have high hopes. I knew I was late to the Valentine's Day party but I hoped that my Tinder matches would look the other way. After all, we're all on here swiping just days away from V-Day so I assume we're in the same boat.

What I didn't expect was to conduct a full-fledged job interview in search of my Valentine. And I certainly didn't expect to find guys willing to answer my slightly insulting questions about why they felt Cupid's love arrow had shot them in the butt and led them straight to me.

So will one of these guys show up at my apartment with a heart-shaped pizza and the login info to their Netflix account? Well, only time will tell. As you'll see below, things escalated pretty quickly.

Seth, 29

First up was Seth, a pleasant but cautious chap. I asked Seth if he was inquiring about the opening in the love department but, sadly, he wasn't entirely sure. I was worried he wouldn't be able to talk himself up.

With some coaxing, Seth admitted that yes, he was interested in being my Valentine (duh) before delivering the funniest, most honest elevator pitch I've ever read in my life. He wrote, "Well, I'm great on every other day so why not Valentine's Day?" I can't argue with that logic, Seth.

Brian, 27

I asked Brian how he felt about my looking for a Valentine via my Tinder bio and he... had some thoughts, kind of.

Dissatisfied with his ambiguity, I pushed on, asking him how he felt about Valentine's Day in general. To say his lack of response surprised me is entirely false. I get it, Brian, thinking is "complicating."

Chris, 27

Chris noticed my bio without my prompting him and decided to check on my progress. I let him know the search wasn't off to a great start and he quickly let me know he was in no position to help. So, why swipe right, Chris? Why?

Like most V-Day haters, Chris explained that he's not about to throw down the hefty $12 investment on a couple of store-bought roses. I'm not one to judge so I looked past this, offering up some cheap Valentine's Day gift alternatives, but he just laughed in my face. I suppose romance really is dead.

Alex, 26

Alex and I seemed to have gotten our signals mixed up. Turns out, like most people do nowadays, I got so excited to hear from him that I passed out on the spot — which he noted unapologetically.

Unfortunately, when I recovered, Alex himself suffered a similar fate. I'm pretty sure this is a sign it was never meant to be.

Kelby, 26

Yes, you read that correctly. What began as a modest, albeit last-minute, search for a Valentine's Day date landed me in the most obvious of circumstances — a premature marriage. Kelby got right to it, greeting me with a not-so-subtle, "Hello wife," so I figured it was safe to assume he had read my bio (even if he didn't quite understand it).

I tried to clear things up but Kelby assured me that we were both heading in the same direction so it was all good. First, let me just say, Kelby, that from the looks of it, we're heading to the courthouse to have this annulled immediately (but after Valentine's Day, OK?).

Moving quickly along (like this relationship), I asked Kelby why he would make the best Valentine and he did not disappoint. I mean, if he can keep a toddler alive, he can certainly handle me. I demand just about the same level of attention, to be honest.

He even had references ready to go — none of that references upon request crap.

Well, guys, I guess it's settled. Kelby is my 2018 Valentine's Day date and also the father and caretaker of my unborn children. Family photos to come.

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