No matter how old you are, having roommates can be super fun. Well, for the most part. If you're friends with them, it can be exciting and feel like a constant sleepover at times. But if you're in college and you're living with a random roomie, it can get awkward, especially when it comes to privacy and romance. Like when you have to tell your roommate to leave before bringing someone home. You don't want to ruin your roommate relationship, but also, you want to have sex! So what do you do? I asked Diana Dorell, intuitive dating coach and author of The Dating Mirror: Trust Again, Love Again, and sex therapist Stefani Threadgill for their expert opinions on the matter.
Basically, if you're living with someone — whether that's in a dorm, an apartment, or anywhere else — you're going to have to learn how to communicate with each other when one of you needs some privacy. And while you could certainly stick with the old sock on the door trick, it's also nice to have some more polite options available.
Seriously, it's easy to get stressed out over how to properly get it on when you don't have your own private living quarters, but it's actually not as difficult to work out as you would think. So, here's how to make it happen without causing any roomie drama.
Before having someone over, you should have a discussion about boundaries with your roomie. "You need to establish rules around this before you bring anyone home to be respectful and clear," Dorell tells Elite Daily. "After all, if the hookup is just that and you never see the guy again, you still have to wake up the next morning and see your roommate in the kitchen."
It's truly important to be up front with your roomie about your plans. It's totally your call if you want to have a casual hookup, but remember that your roomie is there, and it's their space, too. Be considerate and let them know. "Anticipate what you want and let them know ahead of time," Dorell says.
After you've let your roommate know that this discussion needs to happen, Dorell suggests hammering out the details.
"With clear communication, it should be totally reasonable to say, 'Hey, there are going to be times when we both want to have some privacy or have people over for some adult time. Here are my thoughts on the whole thing,'" Dorell says. "And then say, 'What are your thoughts?' Invite them to be a part of this discussion so it's not a surprise later on. That prevents resentment!"
Be honest and open. Once you've established these guidelines, you'll both be prepared when the time comes to get it on.
No one wants to be sexiled, so if you're planning on bringing someone home, take a minute to put yourself in your roommate's shoes. Would you want to be kicked out of your place with a five-minute warning? Probably not.
"Think about how you would like to be approached," Dorell says. "What feels good and fair? You can let them know ahead of time if that's a possibility so they can make plans and arrangements to be somewhere else without it interrupting their lives. Also be prepared that they may say no... and let that be OK, too."
If things are going well with that cutie at the bar, shoot your roomie a text as soon as you can. Or if you have a date coming up at the end of the week, let them know, so at least they'll know the possibility of what's to come.
If worse comes to worse, and your roomie isn't given enough of a warning to head out, then try to give them something to do. "Give them suggestions of where to go," Dorell says. "Or give them a task... 'Hey, while we have some private time, would you mind doing XYZ errand? I'll give you cash.'" Giving your roommate an alternative option for staying home could help ease the tension of bringing someone home.
Obviously, you won't always know far in advance if you're going to invite someone over, but if you can establish when your roomie plans on being gone, then you might be able to avoid having to ask them to leave completely. "Ask your roommate what her schedule is like that week so you can have someone over when she is not home," Threadgill tells Elite Daily. If they works nights, weekends, or anything else, work around their schedule so you can both feel comfortable.
On the chance that you and your roommate aren't besties, and you'd rather not even talk to them about the possibility of you bringing someone over, just observe their schedule.
"If you and your roommate are not close, take notice of her routine schedule (e.g., she goes to spin every weeknight at 7:30 p.m.) and invite him over when she is out," Threadgill says. It might sound creepy, but pay attention to when your roomie normally steps out, and you can get it on without even having to tell her about it.
At the end of the day, having someone over when you're living with a roommate isn't the worst thing in the world. It's totally doable (pun intended), and usually doesn't even have to be awkward to talk about. Just be considerate, try planning ahead, and if all else fails, Threadgill even recommends "to hook up somewhere else; the upside is novelty and adventure!"
I mean, she's not wrong. The most important rule in all of this, though? Never sexile your roomie.
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