Wow, look at that feature photo. It's hard to tell which person is the celebrity and which person is the most basic human being to ever call themselves a "Maxxinista." This might come as a big shock for some of you readers, but the person on the left is super-duper supermodel Gigi Hadid. The beauty on the right is, well, me in my natural habitat. I know, hard to believe. Fortunately, I've mastered all the ways you can feel like a celebrity even when you're just a regular 28-year-old girl wishing you were young enough to stay on your parent's health insurance.
My ability to manipulate and contort myself into a faux celebrity has taken years of practice and impeccable attention to detail, and now, I'm ready to share my expertise with all of you.
Here are seven ways to feel like a celebrity when you definitely are NOT a celebrity.
1. Wear Impractical Materials As Clothing
Oh, you think Rihanna gives one little F that her outfit is made entirely out of reused pot holders? NAH, B*TCH. SHE'S FAMOUS.
When you're a celebrity, you can wear whatever you want. It doesn't matter if it's actual clothing or not. By sporting some teflon shoes and postal stamp earrings, you're telling the world, "Hello. Yes, I'm very famous."
2. Drink All Beverages Out Of A Skinny, Frail Wine Glass
Nobody has to know it's tap water mixed with an Emergen-C because the seasons are changing and you're a Sensitive Sally and worried about catching a cold on mass transit. Just say it's champagne.
I exclusively eat brunch at this one restaurant I found because it serves iced coffee in a red wine goblet and now I only like to drink out of things that are fragile and extra.
3. Clog Up Sidewalks, Streets And Pathways To Take Photos Of You And Your Friends
Sure, other people have places to go and sh*t to do, but you're a (fake) celebrity damnit, and you need your selfies!
By causing a big commotion in public and gathering attention for you and your friends, you'll have the public thinking that all of the the photos being taken must be from real paparazzi trying to snags pics of real famous people.
Jokes on them, ya'll! Just you and your crew being crazy.
4. Use Essential Oils Or Crystals, Probably
I know what you're thinking, and yes that IS Heidi Montag touching a big blue stone to her chin... AND BOY IS IT A WEIRD FAMOUS PERSON THING TO DO!
Essential oils, crystals, and holistic healing are totally making their mark in mainstream Hollywood these days, and also objectively seem like luxury items rich people have the extra cash to buy.
All of this to say, I can for sure get down with some smokey quartz gems and peppermint essences. Pick up a few items at your local hookah store or yoga studio and zen out, baby. (Then gram it.)
5. Snapchat Sexy Selfies With Weird Filters While Playing Loud Music
You guys know this move, right? Usually it's loud rap music, but in Kendall's case here it's just some chill R&B.
The key is to use a filter that makes you somehow more attractive and less human at the same time. Actual celebrity favorites include the puppy face filter, hearts around your head filer, or the flower crown filter featured here.
6. PLEASE F*cking Contour
Contouring is the number one way to tell someone who is in touch, hip with the times, and FANCY from a freaking plebeian.
By drawing on your cheekbones and highlighting your upper brow bone (only God knows why) you are signifying to the world you either A. have a lot of time to watch makeup tutorials because you pay other people to do your actual job, B. have a lot of money to buy unnecessary extra beauty products, and/or C. know what the phrase "find your light" means.
CONTOUR = CELEBRITY.
7. Adopt A Workout Routine You Can't Possibly Maintain With Your Time, Money, Or Current Cardiovascular Strength
You literally know what I mean. The kind of workouts where Khloé Kardashian waves big heavy ropes on the ground. The ones where Demi Lovato boxes with, like, boxing champion men who are three times her size. The gym classes that cost more than your rent to attend and require very hip fitness clothing.
By signing up for something you can't possibly commit to, you are exercising your willy-nilly celebrity-status right to ignore all real and practical responsibilities.
And POOF! Now you have seven awesome ways to feel like a celebrity when really you just stalk them all religiously in your own time like the regular human being you are.
Go get em.
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