Whether you're actively going on first dates and getting to know a number of different people, or you've recently met someone who you're interested in seeing again, trying to sift through all of those initial feelings can be pretty overwhelming. Luckily, that's what friends are for. You see, your besties are the answer to the question of how to figure out how you feel about someone you're dating. Most of us share date stories and ask our friends for their advice, but you may not be aware that the way you describe your dating experiences can actually be quite telling in itself.
Think about it — a huge part of a professional matchmaker's job is to listen to their clients' feedback and take their reactions into account when choosing future matches. This is because the way someone talks about their dates can be super revealing, as long as the person listening knows what to pay attention to.
I spoke to an expert matchmaker about how women tend to talk about their dates, and what this can reveal about their true feelings. So, the next time you and your friends are discussing your dating lives, here are the specific phrases you need to listen for.
"Most women in their 20s — and even 30s, 40s, and 50+ for that matter — talk about first dates in great detail," says Claudia Duran, VIP Matchmaker at Elite Connections. "We go over everything from input on choice of activity or venue, logistics, behavior, appearance, body language, and so on. Play-by-play."
There are common explanations that can be easily translated, according to Duran. For example, she says that if you say, "He's a nice guy," you can often mean, "I don't think he liked me." It's a vague description to give — and that might be because you don't have much else positive to say.
On the other hand, if you say, "He's not my type," you might really mean, "I don't think I liked him," according to Duran.
"Websites and apps have given rise to an illusion of 'plenty of fish in the sea' syndrome, where the options and availability seem endless, but in truth, we actually all know in our hearts how very rare and special it is to make an authentic connection with someone," she says.
If you describe your date as a narcissist, there's not much translation needed. "Yes, they are out there, and we have all been out on a date with at least one," says Duran.
"Most of us want a partner in crime, even if we say we don't to keep ourselves safe from opening up and being vulnerable, and possibly being hurt or rejected," she adds. "I see that a lot, especially in this modern Instagram and luxury culture of having to look good and playing it cool. I see it even from my clients sometimes, even though they are 'all in.'"
"[You] discuss the little things that go a long way: opening a car door, asking you about yourself ... making eye contact," says Duran. Common questions include: Were they checking their phone the whole time? Did they ask you to text that you got home safely? Did you hear from them? How long after the date?
If you describe your date as a player or a bad boy, you probably mean that you liked them, and that they were exciting and sexy. But you aren't going to risk getting hurt, because you know what to expect from a person like that, according to Duran.
That likely translates to, "I like him, he's exciting and sexy, and I am going to ignore red flags for the most part and take my chances. Maybe I can even change him. I love a challenge," says Duran.
There are people who tend to dwell on small, superficial problems with their dates, like a physical attribute or a bad dating habit such as slurping soup. Why is that? What does it mean?
"I always tell my clients, 'Be open-minded,'" says Duran. "All of us by nature are flawed and none of us are perfect. [It's] one thing to have pet peeves (bad table manners, smoking), but when I see clients and friends dwelling on those, it is often a sign that they don't want to put themselves out there to be rejected, and so they reject first." She explains that this kind of nitpicking can be a real barrier to making deep connections. More often than not, it's an attempt at self-protection, or the person is simply not ready to open up.
When it comes to dating, "the ideal is to find someone whose idiosyncrasies are endearing, not annoying," says Duran. "But that doesn't mean we won't annoy each other from time to time. That is normal and that is human nature. Accepting that is accepting the truth about a real partnership."
The next time you're venting about a date to your BFF, think about the real reasons behind what you're saying. You might be surprised by the dates whose behavior you excuse, versus those who you're not willing to give another chance.
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