And no, it doesn’t automatically mean you’re in love with them.
If there's any kind of dream that you'll wake up from feeling distressed, it's definitely a sex dream about an ex. Your brain dredging up a hot-and-heavy make-out session with your ex will probably bring a flush to your cheeks. Or maybe you'll wake up wondering why you dreamed about your ex-boo going down on you... and why you really enjoyed it. If not embarrassed, you'll probs just be annoyed by the fact that your ex always ruins everything, even REM sleep.
The first thing to do — after taking a cold shower — is to remember that dreams about having sex with your ex are normal, so don't panic. As life coach and wellness astrologer Stephanie Gailing tells Elite Daily, it’s crucial to look at the entire picture. The answers don't just lie in "dream you" riding your ex — they lie in how that dream sex made you feel. "It’s also, of course, important to take into consideration your current relationship status," she says. "Are you single? In a partnership? In numerous relationships? And what’s the status of your sex life?"
Depending on your relationship status and how that X-rated dream made you feel, here's the low-down on what sex dreams mean when they star your ex.
If your sex life with your ex was poppin' IRL, your dream might just be nostalgia. "Perhaps a way that you are expressing your desire to connect with your ex," Gailing says. And if you have a pleasurable dream about an ex, then there’s a good chance they meant something special to you, for better or for worse.
As dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg previously told Elite Daily, "The exes we tend to have naughty dreams about the most are our first love... or the ex that most recently broke our heart." A dream about that latter kind of ex could be a sign you're still a bit stuck on your former flame and haven't yet moved on. "These dreams are a clear indication that you have not healed — in which case the dreams will continue until you let go and leave the past in the past,” Loewenberg added. “It is impossible to move forward while you are still holding on to what is behind you.”
On the other hand — possibly to your relief — a dream about your ex killing it in the bedroom might not have anything to do with your feelings for your former flame. It could just be a sign you're craving someone with whom you can be intimate, the way you were with your ex-boo. "The dream could reflect a longing for sex or a re-opening to intimacy,” Gailing says. Maybe you're single and longing for companionship. Maybe you feel like your current partner(s) need to grow in certain areas. Whatever the case may be, reflect on whether there's a void in your life that’s begging to be filled.
If dream sex with your ex wasn't lit, even if your IRL sex life was, it can be a sign that something has changed in you, Gailing explains. That "something" can be your values, your desires, or your needs.
And if sex with your ex wasn't great to begin with, start by asking yourself what you think brought this dream on. What in your waking life reminded you of the not-so-bomb sex you had with a former partner? The reasons may vary, Gailing says. But it will probably be related to why previously accepted a sex life that didn't prioritize your pleasure (and why you may not want that in the future).
Similar to the shift in values, desires, and needs, a neutral sex dream could reflect that you're gaining distance from your ex. Just like the hookup in the dream, you're now feeling more neutral or indifferent toward them.
However, according to Gailing, a neutral sex dream may not actually be about your ex. Maybe it's your ex signifying "the role of someone else" or "perhaps something from your past, an opportunity had or missed." Ask yourself: Is there anything from your past that's being represented here? This could include the academic program you were in, where you lived, the job you were working, or the places you frequently visited while you dated your ex.
You'll probs be relieved to know that if your dream involved sweet sex or something that felt like love-making, it doesn't necessarily mean you're still in love with your ex. For example, if ex sex IRL was fueled by pure lust and your dream was filled with tender make-outs, this could, again, signify a switch-up in priorities. "This may reflect how your sexual and intimacy needs are shifting — how you may want intimacy that marries a heart connection with passion," Gailing explains.
An example of this can be found in the concrete details of your dream, which Gailing recommends writing down when doing any analysis. "Let’s use an example: lighting. Was it light or dark in the room?" Gailing asks. Having the lights on in a sex dream about your ex might not seem like a big deal. But if you never had sex with the lights on IRL, Gailing says, "Perhaps the dream is reflecting the desire for a shift in your approach to sexuality, or perhaps it’s reflecting that you are seeing something more clearly."
While it’s hard to know how to handle an ex-sex dream, you shoulld take your unconscious musings as an opportunity to re-evaluate your desires and how they look in your past and present. As Loewenberg previously told Elite Daily, these kinds of dreams might just be your subconscious saying now is the time to “rekindle the excitement in your intimate life.” This dream is likely the result of a certain need of yours not being met in waking life. You just have to figure out what it is. "Once you take action on your dream’s gentle nudging, and continue to change it up and keep it interesting, the ex won’t need to pay you another visit," Loewenberg explained.
Remember: You're in charge of your waking life. You've just got to tune into what your dream world's trying to tell you.
Sources:
Stephanie Gailing, life coach and wellness astrologer
Lauri Loewenberg, dream analyst
Editor's Note: This story has been updated by Elite Daily Staff.
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