For some, being in a relationship can be incredibly comforting. If you've spent a lot of time being single, having an SO can mean that you have finally have someone to spend QT with, even if it's just Netflix and chilling on a Friday night. But when you're uncertain about whether this person is the one for you, relationships can also leave you feeling shook. If you've recently made it official with someone, or are in a long-term relationship and aren't sure what the future holds, you might be on the lookout for
signs your partner isn't your soulmate.
OK, but what
is a soulmate, anyway? Is your soulmate the one and only person in the universe who can make you happy forever-ever? Or is your a soulmate simply someone (one of potentially many someones) who is right for you when it comes to life partnership? Whatever your definition of the word is, when things aren't quite right, it can make you second-guess everything and question your commitment to the relationship.
To help me figure out how to tell if your partner isn't the one, I spoke with some relationship experts. According to
Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, a San Diego sociologist and sex speaker, a soulmate is "someone who has the capacity to weather the ups and downs of life with you. As a couple, you share similar big-picture values and support, and gently challenge each other to be better people." Cheesy stuff, but sign me up!
If you're still not totally sure how to tell if your bae is the one for you, I've got you covered. Keep on the look out, because according to experts, these are the eight signs your partner isn't your soulmate.
You Don't Want The Same Things
Gunsaullus tells Elite Daily that one of the most telltale signs that your partner isn't your soulmate is when you don't want the same things. And no, this doesn't mean you can't agree on what to have for dinner — although, personally, this is high on my priority list — but more so that you don't share the same life goals.
Whether you want a college education,
to travel the world, or the more serious stuff like marriage and kids, it can be important that your ideas about adulting align with your partner's. This isn't to say that every single one of your goals needs to match with theirs — compromise is key — but if you don't see your lives lining up in the long-term, your current SO might not be your soulmate. 02
You Don't Miss Them When They're Gone
Bela Gandhi, president at Smart Dating Academy, a date coaching firm, says that if you don't miss your partner when you're not with them, this could be a bad sign. If "you feel relieved, like a weight has been lifted, [or] you relish your time without" them, your relationship might not be the forever kind.
Almost everyone enjoys a night alone once in a while, so you can't necessarily assume that it means your relationship won't survive. But if the spark has fizzled out, it might be a good idea to talk things out before jumping the gun on a breakup. "Have a heart-to-heart and be respectful of their emotions and needs," Gunsaullus recommends.
You're Not The Best Version Of Yourself
Samantha Burns, relationship expert and author of Breaking Up & Bouncing Back, another relationship red flag is when you're not behaving like the best version of yourself. Your partner should bring out the best in you, but if you're experiencing "negative emotions such as jealousy, insecurity, depression, crying, anger, or anxiety, this is a strong indicator you’re not with your soulmate," she explains.
However, if you're feeling like you're not acting like yourself lately, your partner might not be the cause. Before calling it quits on the relationship, try to self-reflect on your recent behavior or talk to a trusted friend about how you've been feeling.
Dr. Shannon Chavez, licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist tells Elite Daily that if your boo isn't the one, you "may notice there is no trust in the relationship." Trust is the glue that holds a relationship together. So, if your boyfriend or girlfriend is acting sus all the time or constantly questioning you, it might be time to reassess the relationship.
Some people have trust issues based on past relationships, which can be tough to move past. However, talking to your partner about why you don't trust them, even if it's for an irrational reason, can help build certainty.
You Can't Confide In Them
Gandhi says that if you can't confide in your partner or tell them things that are important to you, it could be a sign that things are heading south. Do you find yourself thinking your SO "will be dismissive or non-empathic" when you share something serious with them? Do "you find yourself telling other friends" instead? If this is a pattern, I'm sorry to say that they might not be your soulmate.
But before you break things off, keep in mind that being unable to confide in your boo could just be an indication that you're a little guarded or are more used to talking to your girlfriends about the serious stuff. If that's the case, try talking to your SO about something that's been on your mind lately. You never know — they could be really supportive!
You're Giving More Than Receiving
Healthy relationships are a two-way street, so if "you feel like you’re giving more than you’re receiving," it could be a bad sign, according to Burns. When you're with the right person, "an equal balance of effort is being invested into the relationship," she adds.
Do you feel like you show up more for your partner than they do for you? When you send them a sweet text, do you not always get one in return? If you're feeling off-balance with bae, let them know it's bugging you. They might just be busy or stressed with school or work. Sometimes, communication is all it takes to get back on track.
They Have Deal-Breaking Qualities
If there are
some dealbreakers you just can't get over in a relationship, Lisa Marie Bobby, founder and clinical director at Growing Self Counseling & Coaching, says to ask yourself if it's something you can live with. And "if the answer is no, do not make the mistake of thinking they might change," she advises. So, if your SO lives at home with their parents or parties a little too hard, and you just can't deal, you may never be able to.
Everyone has different deal breakers, so it's up to you to decide what you can deal with in a relationship. Does your partner do something that annoys you but that you think you can move past? Sometimes, when everything else is going right, it's worth it to let the little things go.
You Think About Being With Someone Else
According to Dr. Chavez, your partner might not be your soulmate if you find yourself "fantasizing about being with someone else who is a better match." Whether you have a specific person in mind or just someone who would be more compatible with you and your #goals in general, it may be a good idea to reevaluate your current situation.
Of course, it's totally normal to feel attracted to other people while you're in a relationship, so don't feel too guilty about a far-off crush or noticing a hottie while in line at Trader Joe's. But if you find yourself constantly imagining that you're dating someone else, it could be an indicator that your SO isn't the one.
If someone isn't your soulmate, that doesn't necessarily
mean you should stop dating them. Just remember that only person who can decide if you're in the right relationship is you. Even if your current partner isn't your forever bae, keep doing you, 'cause you'll find your soulmate eventually.