7 Things You Shouldn’t Put In Your Vagina, No Matter What You’ve Heard

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Life is about experimenting, and hey, I totally get that. When you're a woman in your 20s, after having grown up watching Sex and the City, the truth about what your sex life is really like IRL can be mildly anticlimactic. There's way more missionary, and far fewer orgasms than anyone led on about, but that doesn't mean you have automatic free reign to spice up your private life in any way you see fit. In fact, there are several things you shouldn't put in your vagina, no matter what you've seen on television, or been told over brunch with friends.

Your vagina is a self-regulating, highly complex machine. It can tolerate just about anything, from the monthly visitor that is your Aunt Flo, to the laborious stretching of childbirth. Still, you should always make it a point to double-check what you're putting up there and how it might affect you, both on a physical level and on a chemical one.

Although it's definitely important to figure out what you like sexually, there are plenty of ways to do that without putting yourself at risk or causing a potentially humiliating trip to the emergency room on a random Saturday afternoon. Just to be safe, you should probably keep some stuff away from your special area. Here are seven things you shouldn't put in your vagina, no matter what you've heard through the grapevine.

1Whipped Cream

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If you feel like putting whipped cream on your body, go for it. But please, don't squirt it directly inside of your vagina. There's a chance it will irritate the skin on the inside of your lady parts, and whipped cream is not exactly going to be easy to get out.

On a related note, please do not put the entire aerosol can of whipped cream inside of your vagina, unless you want to get it surgically removed.

2Steam

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Gwyneth Paltrow has famously celebrated the power of steam as a "cleaner" for your vagina and, more specifically, the value of Mugwort V-Steam, which apparently works as an anti-fungal.

The jury's out on this one. Although lukewarm steam certainly won't hurt your vagina, hot steam could, especially considering steam is hotter than boiling water. Your best bet is to keep anything that hot away from any internal organ.

3Cucumbers (Or Any Vegetable, For That Matter)

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I'm not quite sure why anyone would want something of that size near their vagina, but if you're interested in messing around with your produce, please consider using something safer, like a vibrator.

Cucumbers — and all other veggies, while we're on the subject — can potentially be covered in pesticides. This is obviously not something you want to go near your vagina, as your body could have a nasty reaction to what is essentially poison meant to keep animals away from the food.

4Anal Toys

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If you're going to use anal toys for your vagina, make sure you wash them again and again and again before using them. Inserting even a small amount of poop into your vagina can be terrible for you, and can lead to a painful, messy bacterial infection down there.

To be safe, it would be ideal if you had toys with two separate uses: those for butt stuff, and those for vaginal use. You're better safe than sorry.

5Rhinestones And Glitter

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OK, I completely understand the urge to throw a handful of rhinestones and glitter at literally anything you can get your hands on. I'm a personal believer in the idea that all inanimate objects should be bedazzled and/or drowning in glitter. But your vagina is, quite frankly, not an inanimate object.

Putting rhinestones, glitter, and similar types of accessories near your vagina puts you at risk of placing those things inside of your vagina. While it's great that you want your body to be technicolor, just imagine how much damage one of those little glued rhinestones could do if it got lodged somewhere and refused to come out — you feel me?

6Wasps' Nests

Yes, this is a real thing that some women have actually done. For a hot second, people were actually putting oak gall (aka calcifications of wasps' nests found in trees) up their vaginas in the hopes of tightening and rejuvenating their vaginas.

It's kind of insane that this needs to be said, but here we are: Do not put a wasp's nest in your vagina, even if there are no wasps near the nest in question. Just don't do it.

7Apple Cider Vinegar

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Yes, apple cider vinegar is 100 percent a miracle liquid. But that doesn't mean you should put a highly acidic liquid anywhere near the inside of your vagina, which has its own regulating system to keep pH levels in check. Apple cider vinegar, in a very, very diluted form, can sometimes be used to treat yeast infections, but beyond that, there's no reason why you should put any sort of acidic liquid near your vagina, especially in its more concentrated form.