Finding the person you're supposed to be with is hard. Remember that scene in How To Be Single when Allison Brie's character demonstrated "finding her peanut" in the bar? That scene still haunts me, because it's so eerily accurate. You can spot a cutie at a bar and hit it off, but that still doesn't mean you're meant to be. However, knowing the red flags there’s no compatibility in a couple from the very beginning can help you find your peanut without wasting any more precious time.
Now, I'm a firm believer that love isn't a science. Sometimes people just click, and it's like they were fated. What can I say? I'm a romantic. But, compatibility is a thing, and according to Caroline Millet, Seattle-based Three Day Rule matchmaker, compatibility is actually a pretty romantic concept. "It means harmony, a like-mindedness between two people," Millet tells Elite Daily. "We generally view it in terms of beliefs, values, shared experiences, mindset, and interests."
So really, compatibility is like that magical, fated, feeling — but one that can be quantified, almost. Fortunately, finding compatible people is what matchmakers do, so I reached out to some of the very best for the inside scoop on how to tell that a couple just isn't as compatible as you might think.
While it might not seem like this would be a big deal, if you can't agree on what to do in your free time, it could be a sign that there are fundamental values you don't have in common.
"For example, if a couple frequently disagrees over whether Sunday is meant for watching football with friends or going to church and having dinner with family, they have incompatible values," Millet says.
So think about what you and your partner, or even the cutie you've been eyeing, like to do on the weekends. If it's not somewhat similar, you might not be compatible.
Matchmaker and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking, Susan Trombetti, tells Elite Daily that another sign that a couple isn't compatible is that they aren't connected as much as they could be.
"Living different lives but live[sic] like roommates even though you love each other can expose some of these compatibility issues," Trombetti says. A couple could be living together, but that doesn't mean they're compatible.
This is somewhat self-explanatory, but a couple that isn't compatible will likely fight a lot, or at least argue a lot. Trombetti says "You might fight a lot, say, because you argue over money and other issues."
All couples fight, but if your fights are more intense, more often, and are over some pretty big issues, then you might not be so compatible.
Stefanie Safran, matchmaker and dating expert, tells Elite Daily that it's important to be with someone who has the same goals for their life as you do. It means you're compatible, plain and simple. "If you don't want the same things in life (and don't want to compromise in any way)," this is a big indicator that you aren't compatible, Safran says.
The issues of "marriage, children, money and religious values, social time with friends and family, hobbies, lifestyle, communication, sex, these all play into how well you are 'compatible' [when] you are with someone. If you need certain things to be comfortable in the relationship, those are needs that you have to be compatible."
Do you both want marriage, kids — the whole nine yards? Or do you have different visions for how life will pay out? That's definitely something you need to take into consideration.
"Another common one is how much time they should spend nurturing their other relationships," Millet says, of ways to spot you aren't compatible. "If one partner thinks they should spent the majority of free time together and the other often wants to be with friends or family, or work on personal projects, that's something that can cause a lot conflict and strain."
If you want to spend less time together than they do, it could mean there's a larger issue at play. Like I said, there are so many different ways to be in a relationship, and maybe you don't want to take things too seriously right now. That's totally OK. But if you do want your relationship to go somewhere, and your partner doesn't, then you probably aren't compatible.
This is a big one. For the most part, matchmakers agree that you don't have to be completely compatible to be with someone in order for your relationship to work. "You can find your areas of compatibility and highlight those," Trombetti says of couples who aren't super compatible. "Plain compromising works well, too. It’s just less effort if you are less compatible, but you can make it. There is always something but as long you have love and good will, you can work through this if you want to."
So no, you don't have to agree on everything to be with someone. But, if you just don't see the world the same way, then it can get complicated. "Another is vastly differing viewpoints in terms of life and the world in general," Millet says. "If someone thinks things happen to them and they are generally the victim and their partner thinks that the world is full of opportunities and they are in control, they will face a lot of disagreements should they pursue a relationship."
Really, compatibility isn't everything. It's nice if you and your partner just mesh, but it's OK if you don't. Now you know what to look out for, so if nothing else, you're prepared.
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