How To Enjoy Valentine's Day When, Deep Down, You Actually Hate It

Valentine's Day can be an annoying holiday, no matter how you slice it. While I do enjoy making handcrafted valentines for my friends and eating heart-shaped candies, there's this looming expectation that you should be spending the holiday with the ~love of your life~ and like, I don't know, making out at the top of the Empire State Building while wearing your new diamond earrings or something. Truth be told, I can't recall having a Valentine's Day, single or not, that felt particularly romantic, which is why considering a few things to do if you hate Valentine's Day is always a great way to prepare for it.

Yes, my V-Day-despising friends, I'm here for your dirty little secret. And if you, like me, do not want to drop a couple hundo on a prix fixe menu or, on the flip side, simply sit alone watching Netflix while either lamenting or celebrating the freedoms of being unattached, why not consider some less conventional ideas so that you don't have to ignore the holiday altogether?

Below are a few inspirations and suggestions for a new take on Valentine's Day for those of us who find the whole thing a little less than bearable.

Cast A Spell Or Perform Some Rituals

You heard me, people. I said cast some d*mn spells. Could it be that part of the reason you hate Valentine's Day so much is because you have some old love baggage you're still carrying around? Well, now is a great time to get rid of it with magic.

Now, I was once told by a woman who identifies as a witch that if I wanted to cut ties with people I still have old emotional baggage with, a good way to do so is to take a knife, wave it through the flame of a candle, think about the person you want to cut those ties with, and say out loud, "I break my vow to you." Believe it or not, I stopped thinking about a terrible ex-boyfriend of mine not long after I tried it. Could this change simply be placebo? To that I say, who cares! It freaking worked!

My advice here is simply to do a little research on setting some intentions, or clearing out some old energy for your love life and relationships, and I don't just mean romantic ones. Seriously, like it or not, Valentine's Day might just be a fine time to take stock of how you open your heart and shift some of those old communication habits.

Or, of course, you could also always try to cast a love spell on your crush.

Have A "Love Is Dead" Themed Potluck

Because a day about love is really about the people you love, right? Right!

Invite over all your favorite peeps, and as a requirement for entry, ask your guests to dress up like zombies. Have them bring something that is delicious, edible, and the color of blood to share for dinner or snacks. Decorate your place in full-fledged haunted house style, and maybe have some scary, spooky movies about relationships gone wrong playing in the background. Seriously guys, theme parties are such a good time.

Treat Yourself To Some Sexy Time
Ella Paradis

Ur Pleasure Gift Box - Hers, $99, Ella Paradis

Yeah, it might sound cliche, but for real, find a little time on Valentine's Day to get it on, even if it's just with yourself!

Think of it like this: If you can't beat V-Day, join V-Day, you know what I mean? Regardless of whether you're doing the deed alone, in a group, with a trusted, loving partner, or even with a new hook-up, experiment with some fun stuff like erotica, sex toys, watching a video that gets you all hot and bothered, or simply making out for hours — whatever floats your boat and makes you feel good!

Get Yourself A Massage At Home

I recently started using this app called Zeel, which allows you to book a massage at home with as little as an hour's notice. That's right, friends, it's like Seamless for massages.

Carve an hour out of your Valentine's Day to devote to nothing more than making your body feel freaking amazing in the comfort of your own home, as an act of much-needed and much-deserved self-love.

Throw Some Axes With A Friend To Let Out Your Aggression (Seriously)

If you really hate Valentine's Day, it might even incite a little internal aggression you'd do well to work out in a healthy way. There's a place near me in Brooklyn where you can actually learn to throw axes, called Kick Axe, and you can literally toss out your rage in the most hardcore way imaginable.

But hey, if you don't live near a place where you can casually throw some axes around, similar activities might include a boxing class, an archery class, or even going to the batting cages.

Happy Valentine's Day, y'all!