It is a universal truth that the more shade one slings at happy couples, the more of a disgruntled single person one is. As a human sans partner, I personally love walking by an animated, public couple's argument on the sidewalk in order to reaffirm my current status as a party of one, if not to quiet my aggressive insecure brain that constantly screams "WHY HASN'T ANYONE PICKED YOU?!" to itself. In other words, I'm admittedly bitter. However, there are particular levels of PDA and other gross things couples do that are sure to make me cringe no matter how my personal life is going.
In order to keep things democratic, I will first confess that there are things that I do as a single person that likely disgust many people I know. Namely: podcasting about dating, peeing with the door open when I am home alone, and that time last Sunday when I spent the entire day watching Netflix in bed. The entire day. I am a human with flaws, welcome to them.
It annoys me when I see an adorable picture of my ex and his new girfriend at a black-tie wedding, but that is pretty specific to me, and nonoffensive to the rest of the world. When it comes to more general annoyances that single friends of mine and I can all agree on, things do tend to get rather gross. Think I-can-see-your-tongue-in-his-mouth-in-that-Insta gross. Here are some things that couples do that make me spit up a little bit in my mouth. (See? I'm gross too.)
1. Make An Instagram For Their French Bulldog
Especially when it happens within hours of the pup's adoption. While I completely support loving your pet, if you are regularly posting you and your SO on your personal Instagram, and then you decided that your new "baby" needs its own Instagram too, I am going to judge you as thirsty for an engagement right. Yes, I'm judgmental like that. (And if you want to judge me for posting that solo shot in the bathing suit, go right ahead.) I would say please wait a few weeks before establishing your dog's social media presence, so as not to seem "ZOMG LOOK HOW ADULT IM GETTING" to the max. (Also, why is it always a Frenchie?)
2. Post Weird Proclamations Of Love Via Instagram Stories
If your Instagram story looks like it has 14 chapters to it, and the first one reads, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE, HERE ARE ALL THE THINGS I LOVE ABOUT YOU!" I'm going to be turned off immediately. Isn't this what you write in a card to each other? Shouldn't you be saying these things in person? Why do all of your 768 followers need to know about how he killed a spider for you that time in San Diego? I feel like these stories tend to be red flags for flawed relationships, but what do I know? I'm single and bitter.
3. Do Gross Kissing In Public
The oldest "yuck" in the book: please don't put tongues in each others' mouthes or on each others' skin in public. It's too much for most humans, no matter their relationship status, to handle. I love Paris, but the amount of OTP hand jobs I saw on the Métro was my top complaint about the city. Save it for the bedroom, but you already knew that.
4. Ask You If You're Seeing Someone RIGHT AWAY
You know when you meet up with your friends who are in a loving relationship and you go to dinner and even before the wine can arrive they've asked you about your dating life and if you're with someone and it's super annoying because you didn't bring it up and maybe you want to talk about your recent promotion instead!? Whew. You know, though? I know it can be exciting for couples to hear about single life, but hey, I'm not a weird succulent to be oggled, so maybe let's tone it down on the "you'll find someone!" vibes.
Now that I've ranted, raved, and certainly annoyed some of you, I will close by saying: it's a beautiful thing to be in a loving relationship, I definitely want to be in one and am trying to be less of a cynic, and I truly do wish all of the couples out there the best. Just maybe, consider being a little less gross about certain things. I'll try as a single person too. (I'll close the bathroom door even when I'm by myself, I promise!)
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