While "situationships" do have their benefits, they can be pretty messy when communication isn't clear from the get-go. A no-strings-attached hookup might be perfect when you're looking for something casual, but it can get tricky when the parameters, boundaries, and the timeline of your undefined relationship are also undefined. You can be left wondering, "What exactly are we doing? How do we proceed? And how do we end this thing, especially if it never had a clear start?" Naturally, it can be hard to pick up the signs your casual hookup is fizzling out.
At the beginning of your situationship, every vague development with your friend with benefits (FWB) can feel exhilarating. Their name popping up on your phone might make you feel giddy. Figuring out your chemistry, and later, what makes them tick sexually, are unbeatable feelings. So what if their sexts and hang-out invites are inconsistent? It still feels juicy that they even texted you to begin with. And when you're still getting their attention and booking d*ck appointments left and right, it's easy to put off a conversation about what you really want out of your arrangement. But if you never get to have that conversation, it's easy for frustration to kick in — even if you can't put your finger on what feels off. Here are the three signs your hookup is fizzling out, and how to make your next move.
If your FWB constantly leaves you hanging, doesn't text back for weeks, or flakes on plans, your situationship might be fizzling out. Gigi Engle, a certified sex coach and SKYN Condoms sex and intimacy expert says it's important that the lines of communication between you and your FWB stay open. This includes keeping up with each other socially and emotionally, like if either of you gets into a new relationship, be it seriously or casually.
"Just because there aren't strings attached, doesn't mean either [person] has the right to treat either party with anything less than total respect," Engle tells Elite Daily.
Vibe check: How does talking to your crush lately compare to how you felt when you first starting sexting or sleeping together? If don't even feel compelled to your FWB's texts or DMs, your hookup may be fizzling out, says Dr. Jessica O'Reilly, the resident sexologist for Astroglide.
"When you’re excited about a hookup, you likely get a natural high when you hear from them," O'Reilly tells Elite Daily. "Once this excitement subsides, it may be a sign that the allure is fading."
You can bring this up to your hookup buddy, but honestly, what's super important is how you're feeling. "If spending time with your FWB starts to make you feel anxious, upset, or emotionally drained, the connection is likely fizzling out," Engle says, suggesting you ask yourself whether this person is nurturing you on your journey of self-discovery.
No matter if you're the asker or the one being asked, the "What are we?" question can fill both parties with dread. Maybe you've hinted at feelings and your FWB is pulling away. Or maybe they're holding out because they caught unrequited feelings and feel weird about it. Maybe they've just gone ghost for no distinguishable reason.
Either way, Engle says, "If you're confused by their feelings for you, that is your answer." Whatever the case may be, it's crucial you talk to the other person honestly and that both of you part ways respectfully, if that's what needs to happen.
Again, honesty is key in this situation. It's easier said than done, but try talking to them. If the sex is what's important to you here, you might want to text them something to the effect of, "Hey! How have you been? I know things kind of tapered off with us before, but I really enjoyed spending time with you and if you're in a place where you'd be open to starting up our hang-out situation again, let me know."
As O'Reilly points out, the "passionate phase" of relationships typically lasts six to 18 months. "You experience fluctuations in dopamine, adrenaline and serotonin that create a natural high," O'Reilly says. "As you become more comfortable with one another, this passion subsides."
If you've got a lot of trust in your FWB, try suggesting activities that can get you out of your comfort zones, together. "It could be bungee-jumping or going to a nude beach or using a new sex prop," O'Reilly offers. "Or exploring a new fantasy or experimenting with role play."
Going back to being friends after being FWB might also be an option. "They're your friend," Engle says. "So, ask them if they'd want to hang out and catch up. Meet at a non-sexual place — AKA, not where you used to have sex — and grab a coffee to catch up."
"If you're not interested in continuing the casual relationship, there is nothing wrong with allowing things to naturally run their course," Engle says. "As long as both of you are OK with that being the conclusion of the relationship."
Still, there's no harm in speaking up then, too. "Of course, it can be uncomfortable to have tense conversations, but most people would rather know the truth and feel as though they have closure than be ghosted or kept guessing," O'Reilly says.
Send your FWB a text along the line of:
"I’ve loved hanging with you, but now I’d like to take some space for myself."
"I’ve enjoyed our time together, but now I’m ready to see other people."
"This has been so much fun, but now I think it’s run its course. Are you open to transitioning into friendship?"
At the end of the day, trust your intuition if your gut is telling you something is off. If your FWB takes too long to message you back, their sexts feel sluggish, or you feel weird about hitting them up, it might be time to talk to them and figure out what you're both going to do about it.
