Valentine's Day has its haters. Whether it's single folks who feel targeted for not being cuffed up or couples who just don't want the pressure, it's the one holiday where some folks vocally take a stand against celebrating. But here's the thing that gets lost in all the finger-wagging and soap-boxing: It's also an excuse to get freaky AF. You may suddenly be thinking ol' Cupid may have been onto something. So of course, if you dig all the V-Day bells and whistles, then celebrate to the nines. But for the rest of you, drop some dirty talk lines for Valentine's Day and ring in the holiday in style — and by that, I mean in bed. After all, you don't want to miss out on a holiday just because you don't want to brave the holiday crowds or drop a mint on chocolates and candy.
Usually, I don't recommend dirty talk with a theme. But hey, it’s a holiday — why not embrace it? Plus, the biggest turn-on for most folks is laughter, so it's totally acceptable to get a little silly in bed, and maybe even drop a dad joke or two. (The dad joke is a totally under-appreciated art form.) And who knows? Maybe you'll even impress them with both your dirty mind and your creativity. So, here are some dirty things you can only get away with saying on Valentine's Day.
1. Is that Cupid’s arrow in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?
2. I got more sweet treats for you than a Whitman’s sampler.
3. Do you know the real meaning of Valentine’s Day? Well, I’m gonna show you tonight, over and over and over…
4. Valentine’s Day is about to become a religious holiday, because you’re gonna be screaming, “Oh God!” all night.
5. Tonight, you’re going to need a safe word, and the safe word is "be mine."
6. Cards aren’t the only things that are going to be opening tonight.
7. I’m about to eat you like a box of Valentine’s Day chocolates.
8. If you play your cards right, 2-14 is gonna add up to 69.
9. Tonight, I’m gonna put the V in your Valentine, if you know what I’m sayin’.
10. Your heart isn’t the only one of your organs I want to touch tonight.
11. Roses are red, violets are blue, f*** the flowers and candy, I just wanna screw.
12. Get over here and eat my heart-shaped box.
13. Most girls are hoping for a big rock on Valentine’s Day, but what I want is something that rhymes with that.
14. Lingerie is half-off in stores today, but in my bedroom, it’s going to be 100 percent off.
15. Let me help you Cherub one out.
16. I choo-choo-choose you to stay in bed with me all day.
17. I don’t want any stuffed animals. Today, I just want you to stuff me.
18. I got you a heart-shaped box… in my pants.
19. This holiday may be named after a saint, but nothing I’m going to do to you tonight is church-sanctioned.
20. I want to see you with nothing but a “heart on.”
21. If you don’t like Valentine’s Day because it’s corny… how about, instead, we make it porn-y?
22. Happy Valentine’s Day, wanna f*ck?
Go on, don't be afraid to let your dirty talk freak flag fly. It’s a holiday, after all. So speak your mind and do all the things that would make poor old Saint Valentine blush. And that is how you have a very happy Valentine's Day.
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