18 Non-Awk Ways To Ask A Match What Kind Of Relationship They’re Looking For

Shanelle Infante, Elite Daily

There comes a time in every dating app exchange when you start to wonder if you and your match have the same intentions. So far, you've exchanged some flirty banter, discovered some common ground, and it's obvi the interest is mutual. Now, you're trying to discern if they're swiping for the same reasons as you. Not sure how to ask a match what they're looking for? The best way to figure out if you're seeking the same kind of relationship is to send a message that strikes a balance between candid and carefree.

There's no doubt that asking someone what they're looking for on an app can feel intimidating AF. You may worry you'll "scare them off" with your straightforwardness, or that your hopes will be shattered when you realize your crush doesn't want the same thing as you. But never fear, fam — you honestly have nothing to lose by asking this question. You deserve to know whether or not your match is on the same page, and the truth is, if they can't handle an honest convo about it, then they probably aren't emotionally mature enough for you. Besides, if it turns out they're looking for something different, you can both keep it moving and focus on messaging people with more compatible dating goals.

Everyone has their own approach to asking this question, and ultimately, what feels right to you will largely depend on your personality, as well as the connection you've been building with a particular match. That said, the goal is to be as direct as possible, while ideally also adding a little levity, humor, or playfulness to the conversation. Here are some ideas to get you started.


1. So, what brought you to [dating app name]?

2. Personally, I'm on a mission to find the Jim to my Pam — you know, the real deal. What about you?

3. I don't want to waste your time, so may I ask what you're looking for on here?

4. I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want — so, tell me what you want, what you really, really want... from this app? (Who doesn't love a subtle yet super relevant Spice Girls reference?)

5. Alright, I'm just gonna go ahead and ask: What are you looking for on this app?

6. What inspired you to you download [app name]?

7. Just want to make sure we're on the same page. What are you looking for on here?

8. I'm really feeling this convo so far. In your best case scenario, where would this lead?

9. Would you say you're trying to keep your love life pretty casual at the moment, or are you open to something serious?


10. Gotta say, I'm super curious about what you're looking for on here.

11. How about we bypass all the guessing games and just talk about what we really want to get out of this app?

12. Choose one: A) fling for a hot min, B) friends with benefits, or C) forever someone.

13. Before you fall hopelessly in love with me, we should prob discuss what we're looking for.

14. I've found it's best to be honest from the get-go, so here goes: I'm looking for [XYZ]. Thoughts?

15. Real talk: Does the word "commitment" make you feel warm and fuzzy — or make you want to cut and run?

16. Are you interested in building something long term, or are you trying to keep things casual?

17. What's your overall goal in dating RN? Finding your partner-in-crime, or just having fun?

18. Truth or dare? (If they choose "truth," ask them, "What are you looking for?" If they choose "dare," say "I dare you to be honest about what you want out of this app.")