Here's How Trump's Vice President Picks Rank Based On How Terrible They Are
Hello, and welcome back to another episode of Donald Trump's newest reality show, "The Apprentice: Vice President."
Although last week's episode featured a surprise appearance by former contestant Ivanka Trump, this week it's back to basics.
Unless showrunner Trump throws in another twist, we're down to three final contestants: Newt Gingrich and Governors Chris Christie and Mike Pence.
It's expected Trump will unveil the winner of "The Apprentice: Vice President" in a special live episode on Friday.
Until then, we're recapping all the terrible drama the final three contestants have created on their campaign to the top. Let's take a look.
Governor Mike Pence
I don't know whether he's going be your governor or your vice president — who the hell knows ... But you're going to call him, and you're either going to say, "Governor or Vice President, sir, please, please speak to Mr. Trump — we're winning too much."
The Indiana governor is widely seen as the most neutral VP pick. This makes sense since Gingrich and Christie have had nationally derided public scandals while Pence is still, relatively speaking, under the radar.
But that doesn't mean he's totally fab.
Last year, for instance, Pence signed the Indiana Religious Freedom Restoration Act into law. This law basically allowed for discrimination against the LGBTQ+ community. That act would allow businesses to not serve gay and lesbian customers because of all-important "religious freedom."
Oh, and just to be clear on this point, Pence has done a ton of anti-LGBTQ+ things over the years. He is not in support of gay rights.
This year, Pence signed a giant anti-abortion bill. This bill prompted women to call Pence's office and tell him about their periods since he's clearly so interested in what's going on with their vaginas.
Pence also once bizarrely won a public service award for leadership in the Hispanic community. He had no idea why he won it (nor did anybody else).
Terribleness ranking: 7/10
You may not have been watching "The Apprentice: Vice President" long enough to really know Newt Gingrich.
He was around in Congress in the '90s, when he served as Speaker of the House from 1995 to 1999. During that magic era, which lasted about as long as the Spice Girls' reign, Gingrich managed to cause a lot of drama.
Gingrich is partially responsible, along with the Clintons, for the 1996 welfare reform, which wasn't particularly helpful for economically struggling people. Gingrich suggested the government take children away from young, low-income, single women and put them in orphanages, which is, um, problematic.
Over the course of Gingrich's speakership, the government shut down, and he became the first ever Speaker of the House to be punished by the House for ethics violations. Gingrich was fined $300,000 for ethics violations.
The Republicans rose against him, and he eventually resigned.
Since then, Gingrich has stayed involved in politics, like when he ran for president during the 2012 election. During that run, he said children in poor families should go to work. Gingrich also suggested making a colony on the moon, which would be kind of sweet, to be honest.
Anyways, this year, he criticized Trump for being racist against a judge, but that doesn't mean he's especially great on race.
Oh yeah, Gingrich has also had affairs and been married three times, but he thinks gay marriage shouldn't be allowed because it's against the Bible. Cool story, bro.
Terribleness ranking: 8.5/10
Governor Chris Christie
You probably know contestant Christie the most out of all. He has been a competitive — if struggling — contestant throughout the past year, creating a wide range of drama.
Christie did a few things right. We Jerseyans liked him during Hurricane Sandy when he spoke to us in our language to guide us to safety and stood up to get us help.
But otherwise, he's had some major issues. Like, for instance, what exactly happened to that Sandy relief money?
While governor, Christie started being strong on gun control, but then lightened up on it when he wanted to reach the presidency. This is ultimately how Jerseyites see Christie: He abandoned what was right for the state to do what was right for his campaign.
Terribleness ranking: 5/10