I can't stand New Year's Eve.
Like, I actually might even hate it... Yep, I hate it.
If you are one of those people who simply love New Year's, with all its drinking, resolutions and frantic "who am I going to kiss at midnight" extravaganzas, I advise you read no further.
Because this ain't gonna be pretty.
This is for those of us who would rather just be sitting on the couch with a glass of vino, watching that ridiculous movie "New Year's Eve" (anything with Zac Efron and I'm in) and calling it a night at 8 pm.
But in all honesty, and at the risk of sounding like someone who is a complaining asshole, I simply cannot stand it.
It's not just the fact that the holiday exists (I mean, holidays are great, don't get me wrong) so much as it is the whole consensus around the actual countdown to the end of the year and the expectations that come with it.
I can't tell you how many messages I've received asking, "What are you doing for New Year's?" to which I have subsequently rolled my eyes and contemplated not responding.
But I have to respond, you see. I have to.
So that brings me to reason number one for hating this holiday...
1. You're expected to do something significant, notable, fun.
I am expected to go out, to do... something (other than previous mentioned couch-potatoing), to present some kind of proof I have celebrated the end of a year and the beginning of a new in style.
And for what?
So I can fork out my hard-earned savings on a ticket to an event I probably won't even remember, then spend the first whole day of the new year hungover, eating Doritos? (Granted, the Doritos part doesn't sound so bad.)
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for fun, it's just, I don't want to feel forced into it just because it's New Year's Eve.
2. Since you are expected to go out, you have to choose where.
It's a difficult decision. There's a copious amount of events to choose from -- festivals, bars, clubs, house parties on top of house parties on top of house parties.
Can you round up all your friends into one venue? Can you cripple yourself in enough Uber-debt to be able to justify it by attending everything? It seems all a bit too overwhelming, if you ask me.
The best New Year's I had was a spontaneous, unplanned affair where all my friends somehow ended up at my house during the day, swimming in the pool and having drinks, traipsing in and out from their various other events and cheering into the new year together with hugs and friendly kisses.
Like I said, though, it was unplanned. Nine times out of 10, you have to plan something.
3. The epic kiss doesn't exist.
Even when I've had someone I love to kiss when that ball drops, it's been a bit of an anticlimax. A cliche. Cringeworthy.
Every other kiss I had with that person was special because it was shared because we wanted to, not because some holiday told us it was "tradition."
And even so, chances of it being memorable? Slim, at best.
But what's the alternative? Be mortifyingly alone as the couples around you begin to embrace?
Yeah, look, no thanks.
4. People make faux-resolutions.
Everybody says they're going to do something differently. And while it's great to have goals and dreams, I think we can all admit New Year's resolutions are all bullshit.
Hands up, who's actually kept a resolution?
For the entire year?
Never once wavered?
(Actually once I did go an entire year without chocolate, but that just backs up my point -- New Year's makes us do absurd, unnecessary things!)
Anyway, so many people vow to do these things just because it's a "new" year -- there's the element of a new, fresh, start.
It's a nice sentiment, but it's wrong.
Things from the two seconds before are still going to be there, even though it's a new year! #sorrynotsorry
5. The whole "new year, new me" you suddenly hear coming out of people's mouths is ridiculous.
You're the same motherfucker you were two seconds ago, right before we whipped out the sparklers and the party-poppers.
Change doesn't happen instantly...
Having said that, 2016 was definitely a ball-breaker, and I can't wait to leave its sorry ass behind!
But my advice is this: Do what you want to do, and not what this stupid holiday tells you to do.