For those of you who never feel quite as at home without a neat in hand, I am calling on you; for those of you who understand that the line “Amber waves of grain” isn’t talking about a field, but actually a bottle of Bourbon, read on.
Whiskey. Whiskey is your totem. This spirit is your spirit animal.
You do not quite understand anything as well as you understand whiskey.
You delight in its golden hue; you admire its strength and classic charm. You and whiskey go hand-in-hand like bagels and cream cheese. Without whiskey, there is no you and, without you, there is no whiskey.
As genius author and fellow whiskey devotee, Mark Twain so beautifully put it:
Too much of anything is bad, too much good whiskey is barely enough.
And how right he was! For you, there is never enough whiskey. For you, a dry cup is a sad sight. For you, a lost Old Fashioned is a fashioned loss.
While some “experts” will tell you your whiskey is made of grain mashes like barley, wheat and rye, you know that the only things it contains are alcohol, love and bad decisions.
So drink up because these are the 44 signs that whiskey is undeniably your spirit animal:
1. You’re bold.
There is never a challenge you can’t handle.
2. You relate to Nick Offerman on a fundamental level.
You and Ron Swanson would be best friends if he’d only let you love him.
3. Sometimes, people think you’re toxic.
But they always come back wanting more.
4. You value quality.
You know what the good stuff is.
5. You can be a little abrasive.
But always refined.
6. You get better with age.
Like Halle Barry and J. Lo, you only improve with maturity.
7. You’re expensive.
You know what you want and you’re not about to settle for less.
8. You have the power to make everyone happy.
And also the power to cause everyone’s unhappiness.
9. Most of your friends are boys.
You just understand men, and always have.
10. You don’t always get along well with others.
You are an acquired taste.
11. You like the finer things in life.
You’re always looking for top shelf.
12. You’ve never gotten on with girls.
But you’ve probably kissed a few after a few too many drinks.
13. You splurged on a milkshake...
So you could spike it with whiskey.
14. You have a true love of the Irish.
But you never met a fellow from Tennessee you didn’t like
15. You’re a carnivore.
No whiskey lover ever said “no” to a big, thick, juicy steak.
16. You love androgyny.
You embrace your inner Tom Boy.
17. You liven up every party.
And you bring the favors and flirtations.
18. You are a voracious reader.
You have a thing for classic novels and adventure stories.
19. You have a long neck.
And a long throat to pour whiskey down.
20. You’re anything but ordinary.
You definitely keep things interesting.
21. You have anger issues (sometimes).
And sometimes you let those get the best of you.
22. You have an affinity for classic names like James and Jack.
You just love the letter “J.”
23. You like sour tastes.
You’re all for Smarties and War Heads.
24. You’re better strong.
Your strength is one of your sexiest qualities by far.
25. You keep your friends close.
And have no problem opening up to them about everything.
26. You’re never afraid of that last shot.
You are nothing short of “GUNG HO!”
27. You’re a little compulsive.
You always fly by the seat of your pants.
28. You have caramel undertones.
You’re really sweet underneath all that attitude.
29. You flirt using old-world lines.
Your grandpa taught you well.
30. You also love classic words.
“Curmudgeon,” tawdry” and “crotchety” make regular appearances in your everyday speech.
31. You were the original “cool girl.”
Before being the “cool girl” was even a thing.
32. You wear hats.
You have an extensive collection of beanies.
33. You appreciate the grunge but also love a good three-piece suit.
While Kurt Cobain can always sing into your soul, you’ll always be more than happy with jazz at a cigar lounge.
34. You go well with a can of PBR.
When you’re broke and forced to be cheap.
35. You love hearing about "the good old days.”
Old stories always get your goat.
36. You love cigars.
There’s just something about Cubans and that husky smell.
37. You make or break a morning.
That kind of power can be a little dangerous.
38. You couldn’t get by without coffee.
Your other spirit animal.
39. You have a close relationship with your dad
He's just always understood you better than anyone else.
40. You’re smoky but approachable.
You have sex appeal, but you aren’t at risk of putting people off.
41. You have a wild imagination.
The best dreamers are whiskey drinkers.
42. You have a lush sexual appetite.
And you’re always game for a one-night stand.
43. You always jump into projects headfirst.
Ready, aim, fire.
44. And as Raymond Chandler wisely put it:
“There is no bad whiskey. There are only some whiskeys that aren’t as good as others.”