Cats are fascinating creatures. They are mysterious and self-sufficient, sly and observant. They always seem to be thinking about things, taking things in and calculating exactly how to get what they want.
They’re sweet when they need to be, but never in an over-the-top way. Cats are fierce; they were worshipped back in ancient Egypt, which just goes to show you how regal they are. I mean, they're basically majestic.
Ladies, you’re a cat. I’m a cat. We’re all f*cking cats.
I’ve been saying this for a long time now, but I never really gave much consideration to it until recently. No big deal, but we’re just very feline-like.
Think about it; they like to be the center of attention, they like being fed more than anything else on earth and they like lying around in bed all day.
Don’t you like these things? I certainly love these things.
Now, full disclosure: I do not personally care for cats. In fact, I f*cking hate cats, which in and of itself is a very cat-like quality. They don't like other cats either. See?
Here are a few signs that you are actually a cat, masquerading around in a lady suit:
1. You do not like getting your hair wet.
Hair-washing days are the bane of your existence. There is nothing you hate more than getting your hair wet because you know what happens when you get your hair wet? You have to dry it.
It's such a hassle. I will put off washing my hair for as long as humanly possible. Being wet also means getting out of the shower and being cold... and I ain't down.
2. Long hair means potential "fur balls."
Now, ladies, if you have long hair, you shed.
I'm not saying you're leaning over the side of the street hacking up a fur ball. But, how many inexplicable hairs do you regularly find in your mouth, in your food and all over your bed?
I thought so.
3. You are constantly judging everyone.
You're constantly looking around the room, wondering what you did to deserve sharing company with such complete idiots. You love to just sit in the corner, judging others while they act a fool.
And, let's face it: they deserve to be judged.
4. You have a resting bitch face.
Much like a cat, you have a serious resting bitch face. You are constantly labeled as a horrible person by complete strangers because you give onlookers death stares without even thinking about it.
You can't even help it, it's just the way your face looks.
5. You are not happy unless you are the center of attention.
You're a real-life Alpha bitch and are under the impression that everyone should be paying attention to you.
You're used to being in the limelight and become decidedly perturbed when anyone steals your thunder. You'll rub all up on someone's leg if you have to, you know, because you are a cat.
6. You don't want someone to pet you unless you get something out of it first.
When your boyfriend touches your hair it becomes a f*cking rat's nest so, if he would like to stroke you, he must first supply a reason he should be allowed to do this.
You like stuff, I like stuff and our cat friends also like stuff. We want our boyfriends to concede to watching "The Real Housewives of Anywhere" and our cat friends are into watching laser pointers dance on walls. Pot-ay-to, pot-ah-to, right?
7. You want to be snuggled but you don't want to give anything back.
Being held and adored is really nice, but you don't want to hold or adore anyone yourself.
Just hold me and love me, but don't speak to me because I'm watching "Gilmore Girls" and this is the one where Lorelei finally realizes she loves Luke. Shhhhhh.
8. You're easily distracted.
What were we talking about?
9. You're a picky eater.
Like cats, you are very particular about what you will and will not eat. You just don't like to try new things most of the time.
You can be a very adventurous person, but not when it comes to your dinner. Kitty wants tuna, but he wants steak. Nah, we're having tuna.
10. You don't like other cats.
By this, of course, I mean other girls. You are not interested in catty (see what I did there?) drama. Frankly, you just don't have the patience for it.
11. Very little excites you or will elicit any reaction.
And oftentimes, people will get very offended by the fact that you don't jump for joy about the very wonderful (yawn) news they just told you.
But, you just don't really get ecstatic about much. In fact, you care so little about other people's disappointment that you can't even remember what was supposed to excite you in the first place.
12. You prefer to be left alone unless someone is offering to feed you.
You'd just rather be on your own, with your thoughts and your Netflix. Your favorite date is with your bed. You are not depressed, just cat.
13. If you had your way, your job would be to nap.
Is there any such thing that is more wonderful than napping? If you could get paid to nap, you wouldn't even blink a sleepy eye before accepting the job offer.
Your favorite thing to do is stretch out, close your peepers and drift off into blissful twilight sleep.
14. You enjoy wearing fur.
You're a cat in a human body. Sorry, PETA.
15. People either love you or hate you.
As I stated earlier, I do not like cats, but I respect the hell out of them. As a cat-like person, people will either take to you very well or not at all. You're used to this and you accept it.
F*ck the haters, am I right? And after all, like the song says, "Love me or hate me, I'm still an obsession."
16. You're just a little bit skittish.
Ever sneak up on an unsuspecting feline? Yeah, well do not sneak up on an unsuspecting female.