Mercury is in retrograde and it’s ruining our lives. Things that used to come easy to us, like this post, are now slowing to a halt. Frustrations are abound. In general, life sucks more.
And it’s all because the planet Mercury has decided to put its name down, flip it and reverse it.
Everything from your past to your present is revisited and turned upside down, causing annoyances, complications and stalled communications. You are basically one big hot mess.
The struggle is more real than the time you couldn’t pay your credit card in full.
Forget alcohol, here are the 10 times Mercury in retrograde ruined your life:
1. The time you ran into your ex-boyfriend while his new girlfriend was interviewing at your office.
Really? She didn’t go far enough through in his photos before the interview to realize that we’ve been there, tapped that?
We’re not mad because they’re dating; we’re mad because when we asked him to go f*ck himself and die, we hoped he wasn’t coming back for real. The universe sure has an interesting sense of humor.
2. The time you looked like perpetual sh*t.
You keep oversleeping. It’s the third day in a row that you’ve spilled coffee all over yourself. You lost your favorite eyeliner and now you don't even recognize yourself in the mirror. People keep asking if you got a haircut (in a bad way). You don’t even know who you are anymore.
Mercury in retrograde is like a mid-life crisis you didn’t even realize was happening until one day you woke up and realized your mom looks better than you.
3. The time you dipped into the archives and immediately regretted it.
Having sex with your oldies has never been goodies. And yet, when Mercury is in retrograde, we self-medicate enough to believe that this time will be "different."
It’s like buying a mixed bag of Lindt Lindor truffles and then convincing ourselves that we won’t consume the entire box before guests arrive. Anything that sweet can’t be good for us.
4. The time you couldn’t get a job.
Astrologists will warn you not to make any big decisions during this time. Don’t sign contracts, don’t ask for a raise, don’t quit your job for a new one that’ll end up being absolutely terrible (cough, working in the fashion closet, cough).
Your plans for greatness aren’t going to materialize right now, so stop trying to make fetch happen.
5. The time you broke up with your boyfriend for another terrible human being.
You were blinded by light, as Bruce Springsteen would say. Mercury in retrograde can make us do awfully dumb things in our relationships, like let go of a lovable douchebag in favor of an actual douchebag.
And just like that, you’ve got more drama than a Fox 5 Eyewitness News nightmare.
6. The time you dropped your phone for the eighth and final time.
The only thing worse than breaking your phone is having to go to the Verizon store for a new one. Hell is full of cancerous cell-towers and numbered people waiting on line. Mercury in retrograde will get you there.
7. The time you drunk cried and accidentally revealed something you shouldn’t have.
Even after seven or so shots, some things just cannot be forgotten. Emotional instability and alcohol don’t go hand-in-hand, despite what Lindsay Lohan will tell you.
8. The time you took it out on your eyebrows.
If you can’t get anything right, maybe now is not the best time to DIY your eyebrows. While Mercury is in retrograde, tweezers double as weapons of mass eyebrow destruction. Lucky for you, barely-there brows are actually making a comeback this season.
9. The time you said “just finished masturbating” instead of “meditating” to your dad.
Are you sure you can blame this one on the planets? Throughout this backwards time, it’s easy to mess up words and sentences and get lost in broken communication. Grool.
10. The time you got a little cray-cray at the hairdresser
Everything comes crashing down on your world, and the five inches that used to be the difference between you looking like Elsa Pataky and Helga Pataki are now gone.
If it feels like you aren’t moving forward, it’s because you just got cut short.
Photo Courtesy: MTV/The Hills