For those of us who are truly hot messes, you know this lifestyle is an art that takes years of personal setbacks and self-sabotage to craft. Not everyone has what it takes to do what we (don’t) do. It requires resilience, a positive attitude and lots of expendable liver cells.
Hot messes don’t have to work hard at making every day different from the next. Getting lost in weird situations is just another daily occurrence in your crazy entanglement of life and you wouldn’t have it anyway other way.
Here’s to controversy, contraband and contradictions. Why you’re a hot mess and abso-f*cking-lutely love it:
1. Regardless with the speed in which you get there or the temperature outside, you always arrive at your destination profusely sweating.
2. You know which pizza place is currently open, the fastest delivery and perfect ratio of cheese to sauce to crust. And he’s conveniently at the top of your recent calls.
3. You routinely drink out of plastic water bottles. The longer it’s been sitting in your car, the better.
4. You have a drawer full of dead electronics that you won’t throw away if only because you know you’ll eventually lose your current device and need a replacement.
5. You find more change in your pocket than your tax break. And that could be due to the fact that you have no idea what your tax break is.
6. You’ve been smuggling liquor since high school dances.
7. You eat your body weight when you can’t get a man’s.
8. There is always a minimum of two items that you perpetually forget to purchase at CVS. But you’ve somehow walked away with three different kinds of Sprite.
9. Tweezers double as weapons of mass eyebrow destruction.
10. When people ask how your day is going, you always respond with “busy,” yet somehow managed to do absolutely nothing for the past hour.
11. You’re paying way too much money for an apartment you barely live in.
12. The bra you’re wearing hasn’t been washed in a significantly long time, is dated back from a significantly long time or, let’s be honest, both.
13. And while we’re on the subject of bras, remember the Cardinal Rule of the 10 Crack Commandments: Thine bra doth not a reliable spot to hide drugs.
14. You stopped smoking pot for a period of time because you had a really intense bug out. Until marijuana is federally legalized you will choose not to comment on your consumption status at this time.
15. You’ve mourned the loss of Four Loko on and off for the past five years. Because, yes, every time the media announced the beverage has been discontinued, you have found a way to get your hands on some. Whether you regret those decisions are your own business.
16. You’re still mildly unsure of how to use public transportation. No judgment, but may we kindly suggest the bus, as it is the dark horse of the morning commute.
17. Your text messages frequently read like you are shouting for no apparent reason. This is a mistake, obviously.
18. Speaking of text messages, you really aren’t concerned if someone finds your phone and holds it captive. Not only because this has happened to you before, but also because you write so illegibly that no one would understand anyway.
19. You start sentences with, “that time I lived abroad…” And it ends with everyone envious of your escapades.
20. Bedazzle first. Think later.
21. You live by the mantra “everything is nicer outside -- the higher, the better.”
22. A successful vacation means you come back more tired than when you left.
23. You’ve bought a LifeBooker. It briefly changed your life and your hair color and you’ll never book it again.
24. You prefer how your makeup looks after you’ve slept in it.
25. The first guilty pleasures that come to mind involve food. Next level includes Gchat but you’re not ready to admit that yet.
26. You have the slight suspicion that you are chemically imbalanced from the combination of birth control, stress and alcohol levels.
27. You are addicted to lip balm.
28. Songs with your name in them make you instantly like them more. Go on, go on, rock out with yo’ bad self!
29. Everyday BFFs include: your dry cleaner, the cashier at (insert salad stand) and that trainer you intentionally flirt with for free lessons. Work it out.
30. It has been suggested by more than one person that the way you dress should be documented. Write that down.
31. Your vagina is used for storing more than just tampons.
32. People who know you best have given up on expecting you to be on time.
33. They have also seen you drunk, ugly crying, sublimely happy, in your element, totally out of your element, unencumbered, succeed, fail ridiculously, stupid in love, insecure -- and they love you just the same. Because they get it; they are hot messes, too.
34. You constantly have bizarre interactions with strangers and random people that no one could possibly understand.
35. You make life harder for yourself. But you didn’t need this list to tell you that.
36. People come to you with medical questions or random inquiries because they assume you have encountered these problems.
37. … Ditto for drugs.
38. You’ve gone spray tanning and have the stains to prove it. This will not, however, stop you from going again.
39. If it weren’t for your birth control pill and horoscope obsession, you wouldn’t know what day of the week it is.
40. You often find yourself saying, "this is my jam" multiple times in one night.
41. Just once, you would really really love for someone to wave back. Bring on the stop’n’chats while you’re at it because you love to overshare.
42. If your personal hairstyle was given a hair care line it would be called “Can’t be tamed.” Same for your dance moves.
43. You are always down for a good conspiracy.
44. You have an unspoken agreement with your pharmacist. It’s called "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell."
45. You fully believe that cosmic waves will bring you and your sexy neighbor together... and okay, maybe lingering outside his door will speed up the process. In your defense, it’s only on the days you blow dry your hair.
46. Though not officially documented, your hearing qualifies as disabled from never leaving the house without your headphones and DJ'ed concerts of yesteryear.
47. You still haven’t found a significant other who can fully keep up with you. You remind yourself that this is probably a good thing. You might be lucky enough, however, to have found a significant other who thinks this is endearing. Never let them go.
48. Your nails are an expression of your personality: She’s pampered, Sunday Funday, Bouncer it’s me!, Suzy’s Hungary Again!
49. Your shaving patterns are in line with your sexual activity. If you’re not getting laid, it’s not getting shaved.
50. When you think about all the ways you’re a total hot mess, you can’t help but admit that it sounds pretty fun.