Justin Bieber, look at me and tell me what you need. Look me in my big, wet eyes and vocalize your necessities. Jus -- Justin. Look at me, Bieber. Are you... can you see me? Are you with me?
I want to help because your last three major moves are causing concern.
1. You followed your ex, popstar and gorgeous, funny, feminist, earthbound mermaid Selena Gomez, on Instagram yesterday.
2. You bleached your hair.
3. You Instagrammed a clip of yourself singing “I Don't Know Why” in bed, along with another clip of you serenading a fish corpse with a capella country music.
All three of these moves may have been caused by boredom, but they could also be a sign of something far worse.
1. You are experiencing an existential crisis and need a break from the limelight to find your center.
2. You have been body snatched, and an alien is controlling your actions while you rot in some Mars-bound prison.
3. You're dehydrated.
I, for one, am going with good ol' number three. Dehydration has been the alleged cause of many celebrity hiatuses.
1. Michael Jackson
2. Mariah Carey
3. Lindsay Lohan
4. Britney Spears
5. Dave Chappelle
6. Lady Gaga
7. Nick Cannon
8. Richard Simmons
9. Yoko Ono
Hollywood is a dry, dry place. Every day, celebs are withering away in the desert rather than living the lavish lives they've rightfully earned.
Drink some water, Biebs. It will save you so much time and sanity in the long run.