Dear Jennifer Lopez,
Please don't date that overrated human filth bucket Alex Rodriguez.
For some goddamn reason Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez are going out.
I don't know why this is happening and I honestly thought A-Rod was already married to someone else at this point, but I guess I was wrong.
As of sometime yesterday, we all started living in a world where music icons who defined the sound of the '90s openly slum it with roided-up, hack ex-baseball stars who made Red Sox fans across the world consider that maybe Derek Jeter isn't actually the anti-Christ but just "anti-Christish."
Page Six originally reported on the news. According to its source,
They have been seeing each other for a few months — and were together in LA this past weekend... They are really into each other because they have so much in common — from their Latin roots, to their love of New York, and their kids.
Before I go further I guess I should be open about three things:
1) I am a Mets fan who hates the Yankees and considers Alex Rodriguez the face of everything I hate about the franchise.
I know a lot of people will say that is petty, but those people are all Yankees fans who have been alive during Yankees championship dynasties, whereas I have never seen the Mets not implode when it mattered the most.
Yankees fans telling me to not hate the Yankees is literally the equivalent of when Chaffetz made that "how about instead of buying iPhones you buy health insurance" comment, in ways that I can't verbalize but I know you totally understand.
2) I love Jennifer Lopez and genuinely want what's best for her and her life. My mom is from the Bronx, I was born in the Bronx, the Bronx is in my blood and JLo is nothing short of our Bruce Springsteen. (Admittedly, when I was a kid, we moved to New Jersey so Bruce Springsteen also became my Bruce Springsteen.)
3) Aside from Michael Vick, Tom Brady and that hockey player who murdered a guy on the ice, Alex Rodriguez is my least favorite person in sports. I know I am not alone on this.
You can decide whether or not to agree with me, that is your call. I am willing to bet, though, if you think I'm wrong then you're either an A-Rod lifer or a Yankees fan, which puts you in the vast minority of humans and a group who is almost universally hated.
Let's do a quick compatibility breakdown.
Similarities: - A-Rod played in the Bronx for a while and Jennifer Lopez's famous "the block" is in the Bronx. - They both have catchy abbreviated names.
Differences: - Everyone loves Jennifer Lopez. A-Rod is a huge piece of crap. - Jennifer Lopez is talented. A-Rod is a huge piece of crap. - Jennifer Lopez sang "I'm Real." A-Rod is a huge piece of crap. - Jennifer Lopez seems like a nice person. A-Rod is a huge piece of crap. - Jennifer Lopez has a great Instagram. A-Rod is a huge piece of crap. - Jennifer Lopez defined a generation's music preferences. A-Rod is a huge piece of crap. - Jennifer Lopez empowers women to embrace their strengths and to be unafraid of speaking your mind, while A-Rod, and this is a bit of a shocker, is a huge piece of crap.
To put it visually:
JLo, you can do SOOOO much better. You aren't just dating a historic piece of crap, you are dating a piece of crap who is one of the most universally polarizing figures in sports history.
He is hated by fans, coaches, teammates, entire cities and any journalist who doesn't go by the pen name Ralex "def not AROD" Blodshmiguez.
This is a man who yelled "HA!" during a PROFESSIONAL SPORTS GAME at a Toronto player in an attempt to scare him to drop a pop up.
This is a man Joe Torre -- a guy even my Mets lovin' keester is a fan of -- threw under the bus at the first chance he got. In the book "The Yankee Years," which Torre co-wrote with Tom Verducci, it says,
Alex Rodriguez seemed not to fit in with the rest of his Yankee teammates. For instance, he wanted a clubhouse attendant personally assigned to him, when there were four or five for the whole team. Seeing the rift between him and the rest of the team and how Rodriguez's major focus on how HE was perceived, Joe Torre suggested in the individual meeting that Rodriguez at least get his own coffee rather than send someone to get it for him. Later that day, Alex Rodriguez made a point of telling the manager that he got his own coffee — drawing attention to himself, even in what was meant to be just an example of how he could fit in with normal behavior.
This is a man who got his agent to announce he'd be opting out of a $252 million contract DURING GAME FOUR OF THE GODDAMN WORLD SERIES.
This is a man who thought he was worth $350 million.
This is a man who reportedly JUST got out of a relationship with Silicon Valley CEO Anne Wojcicki in February. FEBRUARY! LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO FEBRUARY.
This is a man who pulled this shit when he knew he was going to lose to the Red Sox in an ALCS game.
This is a man who is famous because he knows how to mail order himself steroids.
This is a man who has this site dedicated to him.
This is a man Demi Moore, Cameron Diaz, Torrie Wilson, Kate Hudson, Madonna and Bethenny Frankel all decided was not worth ruining their lives over.
This is a man, and I can't overstate this enough, who knowingly took this picture.
You get what I'm saying? You can't go from dating Drake to dating A-Rod. It's just too big of a drop and it's a drop you do not need to take.
Go out with literally anyone else on the planet, married or not, I'm sure they're willing to drop WHATEVER ELSE is going on in their life just to be in the same room as you.
So, for the love of God JLo, end this nonsense. The block and I agree, you can do better.