Gwyneth Paltrow Wants You To Buy Your SO This $5,500 Watch For Valentine's Day

by Eitan Levine

Gwyneth Paltrow's Valentine's Day gift guide is here, and man oh man has she never been less relatable.

If you aren't following Paltrow's lifestyle brand Goop, you're missing out. Not on affordable clothing or great deals on home goods or anything useful like that.

Nope, instead you're missing out on Gwyneth casually telling you to buy a $120 tube of toothpaste to stare at while you put your vagina through a steam shvitz after shoving a quarry up there.

There is no other celebrity out there who associates with the middle class less than Paltrow, and it is amazing. I'm not even sad at that fact. Her gift registries are filled with things that people at my income level talk about like urban legends:

I one time heard there was a hoodie you could by that WASN'T off the $12 rack at Old Navy.

So, if you're looking for a way to take out a mortgage on your house in the most romantic way possible, might I suggest some of these choice items from her Valentine's Day gift guide?

A $5,500 ugly watch.


A $1,480 document case, whatever the frick a document case is.

Bottega Venetta

These $195 slippers, as if cheaper slippers don't exist.




A $130 football? Is that what this is? It seems like this is what that is but...like...it can't just be a $130 football, right?


A $695 Dominos set, for the Winklevoss in your life who likes casual old people games.

Ralph Lauren

A $2,500 turntable so you can rickity-rickity-rickity-save your relationship with expensive materials.


I think this is just a $50 glass cup. What does this have to do with Valentine's Day? Why is it $50? Has Gwyneth ever been in the sun? Some questions just have no answers.


I. SWEAR. TO. GOD. THIS. IS. JUST. A. $36. LEATHER. TRAY. (Also, it's sold out FOR SOME REASON!!!)


Old Playboys for your future kids to find and then get confused about how old you and your husband are.


So there you have it. The perfect gift guide for your out-of-touch significant other.

Citations: The Guys' Valentine's Day Gift Guide (Goop)