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Gwyneth Paltrow Wants You To Put A Stone In Your Vagina

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"Gee, Gwyneth Paltrow is so relatable," said no one ever.

Well, she's back and more ridiculous than ever.

After taking a break from films, the Hollywood actress created a lifestyle blog called Goop, which is basically a go-to guide for rich people who want to spend their money on dumb things like a $200 "Pelvic Floor Exercise Tracker".

Elvie

Or, my personal favorite, the ever necessary "Sex Dust" – which is literally advertised as "best with nut milk."

Moon Juice

This time, the extravagantly wealthy star is advising women to get their very own eggs to keep inside their vaginas.

Yes, that's right, jade and rose quartz vagina eggs are now offered on Paltrow's site.

Shiva Rose

This is how Goop describes the product,

Yoni eggs, once the strictly guarded secret of Chinese concubines and royalty in antiquity, harness the power of energy work, crystal healing, and a Kegel-like physical practice. Jade eggs' power to cleanse and clear make them ideal for detox, too.

In the jade egg's product description, the creator, Shiva Rose, is quoted as saying,

This particular jade, nephrite jade, has incredible clearing, cleansing powers. It's a dark, deep green and heavy—it's a great stone for taking away negativity—and it's definitely the one to start with.

Yeah, OK, I'll get right on it, right after my vaginal steaming.

The egg is purportedly hailed by fans as an easy way to tone the vaginal muscles and balance the hormones.

Well, Goop, I don't have $55 dollars to spend on a rose quartz egg.

Does it work with regular eggs? Because those are, like, $4 per dozen.

Paltrow is basically the girl at the party who shows up sober so she can lecture everyone on the wonders of alkaline superfoods.

Anyway, if ever there is a time that you think, "God, I just really want to stick an overpriced smooth rock inside of my vagina," now you know where to find it.

You're welcome.

Citations: Mashable