Gwyneth Paltrow Released Her Holiday Gift Guide
Gwyneth Paltrow's titty necklaces. Boom. Holiday shopping done. NEXT.
It's never too early to start thinking about your Christmas shopping list. After next week's Thanksgiving rush there is a short precious month to get everything you need so your family doesn't hate you until next Christmas comes along.
Don't worry, though. Gwyneth Paltrow is here to help you. She recently released her holiday gift guide and as long as you're an eccentric billionaire with bohemian tastes, you'll be fine.
Basically, Shailene Woodley. If you're not Shailene Woodley then you're still pretty screwed because this list, which was posted to Goop, is literally just for Shailene Woodley.
For starers, you should consider buying someone you love a necklace so they remember you and your sweet beautiful rack.
Might I suggest this super expensive booby necklace?
OH, WE'RE JUST GETTING STARTED ON STUFF GWYNETH PALTROW WANTS TO SELL YOU!
Have a spare $150,000 lying around? You should consider buying Dennis Hopper's personal record collection.
You know, for the person who would like this kind of thing. (I'm sure one exists somewhere.)
If Dennis Hopper's personal record collection isn't the right thing for the person you're gifting, you should consider getting them toothpaste.
These are all very niche products. I get that. Not everyone wants a tube of toothpaste that costs as much as dinner for 45 people at Taco Bell.
Not everyone wants to listen to Dennis Hopper's music on a device my grandmother heard about the Kennedy assassination through. Not everyone has the career stability to show up to the office with a pair of titties hanging around their neck.
Everyone wants a leather bike, though.
Yup, what could possibly go wrong with a bike that you can't really get dirty, wet or bring outside for an extended period of time.
HO HO HO!