Whenever I have a brief, fleeting moment of wishing I was straight, I'm quickly brought back down to Earth and remember that I've been deeply blessed by God herself to be born GAY.
But those bitches didn't accept me (seriously, Raya? Some of my trolliest friends have been accepted, what's your fucking problem?).
And while the whole online dating whirlwind sort of sucked — because the options were extremely limited in girl-world (I literally knew half of the girls out there) — no one ever, EVER said a lewd thing to me like, "I WANT TO SEX YOU" in the first message.
Nor has anyone mentioned my ethnicity or tried to fetishize my overt sexuality.
It was usually more of a civilized, "Hey, how is your day?" sort of message. I used to think that was boring and basic, but now I've realized it's a sophisticated goldmine compared to what you straight women are up against!
I was really made aware of how truly trolly men can be on dating sites when I caught wind of Toronto-based artist Emmie Tsumara.
Emmie Tsumara was so shocked by the influx of bizarre, perverted, wildly inappropriate and racially charged messages she was receiving on Match, Tinder and OKCupid, that she decided to create art out of them.
That's the beauty of being an artist, babe. You take all the negative shit that's thrown your way and turn into something beautiful and successful (think: Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pill).
It's empowering, and it's why all of us girls should spend more time creating and less time complaining (really, this is just a pep talk directed toward myself. I could have written the next great American novel — or at least some mediocre chick lit — in the time I've wasted bitching about life).
Us girls should spend more time creating and less time complaining.
Tsumara told Buzzfeed,
Getting a first message that says 'I want to sex with you' is bizarre. Does that ever work? I'm a curious person by nature, so feeling shocked, offended or repulsed would be followed by something like intrigue or fascination. Who was this person, and why did they send this and what should I do?! Part of me is saying, 'Are you fucking kidding me?!' Another part of me is feeling super sad and alone. Another part is saying, 'This is hilarious!'
Emmie channeled her curiosity by illustrating portraits of men with their pickup lines drawn next to their faces, and has been publishing them on her Instagram page, ok_cucumber. A few examples...
Dear boy, in what world did you think insulting a woman is an OK first pickup line?
If you're going to be a total creep, at least construct a real sentence...
REALLY? If lines like this don't turn every girl in the world into a giant, man-hating lesbian, what will? Seriously, I have a hunch my little lesbian world is going to expand pretty soon...
And, of course, there is the construction worker favorite:
When I first saw this picture and read the first sentence, I thought maybe this guy was cute. But then, he went right into the fetishizing.
Sweeping racial generalizations. How lovely.
Honestly, all of these insane, hyper-sexual, trashy pickup lines make a simple "Hey" from a dude seem heavenly. Plus, this guy has a nice full brow. I always trust a person with a nice full brow.
All I can say is, thank god for art.
And thank god for creative people who can take all the shitty, terrible, misogynistic words that are thrown their way and turn it into an empowering, creative project.