Spring is in the air, isn't it, my lovelies? Yours truly has fallen ill with an irrepressible bout of spring fever. There is a palpable shift in energy when the dismal season of winter transitions into the whimsical season of SPRING.
Everything blooms in the spring. The flowers. The grass. The trees. The cherry blossoms.
You know what else blooms in the spring, babe? Your sex drive. That's right. You're just lustier in the spring.
I mean, I get it. That sweet spring air can quickly lead to more, um, heated activities. One minute, you're innocently locking lips with a hottie at a bar in the West Village; next minute, the two of you are getting down and dirty in BED, entangled in crisp, cotton sheets doing naughty things.
And most of the time, this happens on a weeknight.
I've been seeing girls slyly sneak into the office, looking over-sexed and disheveled more than usual the past few weeks (let's blame spring fever).
"Oh someone had a ONE-NIGHT stand," I'll smugly think to myself, smirking as I take in a co-worker's haphazard top knot and panicked facial expression.
HA! Like I have any right to be smug! I've mastered many things in my 29 years of existence, but post-sex hair is not one of them.
Lucky for me (and for you), my best friend on the planet, Owen Gould, happens to be a stylist to the f*cking stars. He's worked with the likes of Jessica Alba, Kristen Cavallari, Kate Hudson, Björk and every model you could ever think of, including "it" girl GIGI HADID (I'm name-dropping because I'm a shameless starf*cker, kittens).
This is Owen and Gigi making sweet, sweet hair love together:
And look, Owen is my bestie, so it's pretty safe to say he's no prude himself. (I only befriend sinful sluts. Just kidding! Sort of.)
So with spring hanging heavy in the air and steamy nights of insatiable sex on the horizon, I hollered at my boy for a little one-night-stand hair help. Yes, he might be busy styling glam stories for W magazine, but Owen and I go way back. We're two peas in a gay pod.
So today, the three of us -- you, Owen and me -- are going on an adventure. Owen and I are going to become the gay best friends you never even knew you wanted.
Now, close your pretty eyes and imagine you're blissfully snuggling a warm body. You're in a tranquil post-sex sleep, wrapped up in the sexy arms of a sexy boy or a girl--
Until ... BAM. Your iPhone's trusty alarm rings. You shoot out of bed, gripped by fear.
NO, it's not a Saturday. It's a f*cking Tuesday, and you, GIRL, have to be at WORK in 30 goddamn minutes!
Don't panic, my fellow slutty sister. Our stylist, Owen, assures us that post-sex hair "can actually be CHIC as f*ck." He says that all that "texture can work to your advantage if you know what to do with it."
Check out the volume and texture in MY hair the morning after. (Yes, I stayed out all night for this article, babes. That's JOURNALISM.)
Oh, and if you can't find your little crop top (it's easy to lose a crop top), just steal your lover's button-down and twist into a sexy half-shirt. And hey, lady lesbians, this is for you, too. Chances are the girl you slept with has a sh*t ton of button-downs. (Lesbians love button-downs.)
Anyway, now that we've figured out your shirt, let's channel that dirty, lived-in hair into three simple styles that you can rock when you've have a one-night stand.
1. The sexified French twist
The first style Owen taught me how to do is undeniably chic and prim with a sexy edge. I like to refer to it as the "sexified French twist." It's got that sexy librarian thing going for it.
AND it's super easy to style! Delve into your purse and dig out that old pen, girly. And if you don't have a pen tucked into the folds of your oversized tote, SHAME on you. A lady always keeps a pen in her purse, if only for emergency hair situations like this. But if you've failed in the pen department, simply scour for one in the apartment where you've woken up.
Got your pen? Great. Now grab that cheap comb out of your purse (you must keep a cheap comb in your purse at all times; otherwise, you're kind of f*cked).
"You want to start by teasing the hair slightly at the crown. Then twist all of your hair up into a loose, messy bun or twist. Finish off the look by securing the hair with pen or pencil."
As for hairspray, Owen says you don't need it. The stickiness (a gross reality) of your post-sex day holds a style far better than clean hair, anyway.
This is how it should look in the back. Notice the little undone bits of frizz at the crown of my head? Don't fight the frizz. Embrace the frizz. We aren't trying emulate a sexless schoolmarm; we're trying to emulate an oversexed actress fresh off of a transcontinental flight (maybe she even reached the mile-high club?).
Now that your hair looks fierce, it's time to grab the sunnies out of your purse, help yourself to a cup of steaming hot coffee, and strut into the office like the worldly woman you are.
Finish the look off with a post-sex smile. It will leave everyone wondering, "Damn, what's up with Zara? She never smiles before 1 pm. Did the bitch get LAID or something?"
Yes, the bitch did. She absolutely f*cking did.
2. The sexified side braid
I've been rocking the side braid for well over a decade. It's my go-to hair style when my hair is grimy and dirty (which is often, because I live a fabulous life of S-I-N).
Owen actually introduced me to the side braid in 2004, when I had cheap hair extensions that looked good only when braided. But that's neither here nor there. A sexified side braid is one of the best one-night stand looks a girl could ever have.
Owen's simple steps to the sexified side braid:
"You want to tease the hair at the crown, for volume, yet again. Then you want to gather all of the hair all to one side, Braid it and secure it with a hair tie or a rubber band."
"Once you've finished, go back in, and pull a few pieces out for a romantic, lived-in vibe."
You've just had sex. You don't want to look like an equestrian competing in the Hampton Classic. You want to look romantic and lived-in, just like Uncle Owen says.
Now smugly push that elevator button with a purpose. You're now an oversexed woman who is in control of her life.
See you at the office, babes!
3. The sexified Bardot
This is my favorite of all the sex-hair looks. It's a bit editorial and a little on the high-fashion end of the spectrum, but I know my readers. And my readers are not basic girls looking for basic hair. So don't worry: We're going to go unapologetically FASHION here.
This is also the easiest hair to style. Again, it all starts with the art of the tease -- according to our fearless leader, Owen:
"Finger comb your hair, but you should leave a bit of the disheveled-ness there. Work with the texture rather than trying to against fight it."
Metaphor for life? I think so.
So how do we tease like a pro?
"Use a fine tooth comb, or a small boar bristle brush, starting at the root, working your way three-quarters up the hair shaft."
Secure it with a headband, if you have one (or if you're sleeping with a girl who has one).
After we've secured our heads with a band (optional!), fluff up the top of the hair for additional volume. This look is all about the profile, and the profile should look something like this:
Notice how the top has VOLUME FOR DAYS, but we let the bottom of the hair do its sweet thang? That is key.
What I love most about this look is that it's got a bit of "f*ck you" you in it. It says, girl, I'm going tease my f*cking hair and rock my sexified texture and look effortlessly glam like Brigitte Bardot. It's just got that chic, aloof, French-girl vibe.
So get out those headphones, blast some LANA DEL REY and strut into the city with a newfound confidence. Sex is, after all, wildly empowering. Radiate beams of orgasmic energy into the dismal universe.
Also follow Owen on Instagram for more hair tips and celeb glam. He's also an amazing photographer; he took all these fierce pics. (No easy feat, as I may or may not have been slightly hungover for this shoot -- oops, my bad.)